Future Most Vivid

Reel Love: Let Me In

2010-10-11T19:31:00.000-05:00

So I have really fallen behind in posting my movie reviews here ... as in, I haven't posted any since the first one, Titanic. I'm going to start making this up by posting a review of the recently released vampire film, Let Me In. Enjoy.

LET ME IN (2010)

Let Me In depicts what modern life as a vampire would actually be like - or as close as we can guess. It's a complicated and tragic existence. But like any life, it isn't so bad when you're not alone.

Owen (played by Kodi Smit-McPhee) is a painfully shy boy just trying to survive middle school. He is bullied on a regular basis at school, and consistently ignored at home. When a similarly outcast girl his age, Abby (played by Chloe Moretz) moves into the apartment next door, the two misfits slowly form a friendship. A friendship that is complicated by the fact that Abby is not just a girl... Abby is a vampire.

Read the rest of the review here.

Reel Love: Titanic

2010-09-04T21:06:00.000-05:00

In the weekend edition of Reel Love, I review a popular movie I have never seen. First up: “Titanic.”

TITANIC (1997)

When the credits rolled, all I could think was OH MY, that just happened.

(Well, that, and “I have to use the bathroom, because that movie was so long I had to stop halfway and put in ‘Cassette 2.’”)

Now, in my opinion, there are primarily two types of movies that will cause that reaction.

There are those that are just so well-crafted, so ingenious, or so astoundingly original that you just have to sit in awe for minutes after the final frames to soak it all in.

And then there are those that try so hard, invoke so many emotions, are filled with such adrenaline, and are just so gosh-darn earnest that you can’t help being moved.

Read the rest online at www.spectatornews.com.

What I do when I'm not writing for you

2010-09-04T14:21:00.000-05:00

When I'm not writing for school, or for fun, or for my blog (hah), I'm writing for The Spectator.

The Spectator is UW-Eau Claire's student newspaper; this semester, I am the Currents editor. That means I am the editor of the "anything goes" section. From art to health to money to technology to entertainment, it might show up in Currents. It's hectic, but it's fun. A lot of fun. So far.

As part of my section, I am running a film column called "Reel Love." Every week (hopefully), I'll be reviewing either a new release or the film playing on campus that weekend. Unfortunately, you probably won't have seen most of those movies I'll be reviewing--and movie reviews are much more fun when you've actually seen the movie the critics are talking about.

Therefore, I have proposed a sort of personal movie challenge. I have selected (with help from browsing the halls at Family Video, as well as input from friends) 15 popular movies that somehow I have never seen. I will watch, and then review, one of these movies every weekend (again, hopefully).

Here is the current lineup (for the "I can't believe I've never seen" editions of Reel Love):

Titanic (review comes out later today)
A Stallone movie (Rocky or Rambo)
Pulp Fiction
Wayne's World (?)
Jaws
Rush Hour
Forrest Gump
Terminator
Saving Private Ryan
Nightmare before Christmas
Blues Brothers
Dances with Wolves
Die Hard
It's a Wonderful Life

These movies were selected not necessarily because they are SO GOOD I just have to see them. If that were the case, my list would be a bit different. No, these are the movies that everyone is most surprised to hear I haven't seen. These are the movies often mentioned in popular culture, but I never get the joke.

So anyway, if you'd like to follow along from home, you're welcome to. If not, then don't. I'll never know. =) And as always, if you disagree with my take, please comment! I love comments. I would encourage you to leave comments, however, on The Spectator site, where the reviews will be posted.

Okay, enough self-promotion for one day.

let the wild rumpus start

2010-08-05T10:00:00.001-05:00

If I were to ever have a kid, he would wear this Halloween costume. And he'd love it.

From Coolest Homemade Costumes

From Hey I'm Jaclyn

From Modern Wife

I saved the best for last. This photo is from a fairy-tale themed wedding. He was the ringbearer; the flower girls were dressed like Little Red Riding Hood.


From Helmutwalker Photography

summer concert: something corporate

2010-08-03T16:07:00.002-05:00


Something Corporate at the Cabooze, Minneapolis

Summer has finally started to feel like summer. Unfortunately, it is already August. Not the best timing, but I'll take what I can get.

Last night Zach and I went to Minneapolis to watch a shared favorite band perform: Something Corporate.

The concert was held at the Cabooze, which apparently holds both indoor and outdoor concerts. I thought the whole outdoor setup was awesome; it was the first time I didn't leave a concert with a massive headache, fearing for the future of my hearing abilities.

From Summer 2010

Pre-concert beer for the Birthday boy

From Summer 2010

Hey, we actually have a picture together...

From Summer 2010

Here's some footage of "Konstantine" someone else took at the same concert:

Friday Five

2010-07-30T11:30:00.001-05:00

So, I'm copying Amanda's blog this Friday and joining in on the five question Friday. Don't hate me. I'm just trying to be cool.

1. Did you have a favorite blanket or toy as a kid? If so, do you still have it?

Yes, technically I did have a blanket. However, I never developed incredibly strong feelings toward it. It was just something I felt I was supposed to have in my possession as a child, you know, according to popular culture. I apparently was concerned about being a hip toddler.

What I did form strong attachments to, much to the despair of my parents, were stuffed animals. Multiple stuffed animals. So many that my parents put shelves in my room to house the stuffed animals so they didn't overcrowd my bed. And yes, I must admit, a select few are still in my bed. I thought I was prepared to part with them (for storage) when I moved out, but then I watched Toy Story 3 and that just left me an emotional wreck and now I have no clue what I'm going to do!

2. Do you dream in color?

Oh do I. I dream often and I dream vividly. Usually, I dream so deeply that I find a way to convince myself that the alarm sounds I'm hearing are simply some element of the dream. This is how I manage to be late to school and church most days. Sometimes I dream about conversations, and days later, I can't remember if those talks were real or not. I've had to ask people whether or not we have actually had certain conversations. But it's worth it. I love to dream.

3. How tall are you? Do you wish you were shorter or taller?

I am five feet and five inches. It's a good height for more things. Unfortunately, it is not a good height for giving my boyfriend a hug. Seriously, if I was an inch or two shorter or taller, things would be perfect. But as it is, I'm pretty cool with my height.

4. If you could have anyone's (celeb or other) voice as the guide on your GPS, who would it be?

Ooh, ooh, I know this one. It would probably be Stephen Fry. Lately I've been listening to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy book-on-cd, narrated by Stephen Fry, and since then, when I talk through things in my head, his voice is usually the voice I hear. Hmmm, I see people running away, maybe I should stop talking about the voices in my head? Done.

Runner ups include James Earl Jones (who wouldn't want Darth Vader commanding your vehicle?), Alan Rickman (only if he also added a very dry and sarcastic commentary), and Liz Lemon. Yes, I know that last one is fictional, but I know she wouldn't condemn me for my frequent fast-food stops on road trips.

5. Do you return your shopping cart to the corral or leave it wherever in the parking lot?

Unless it's raining and 3 am in the Walmart parking lot, I always return the shopping cart to the corral. I worked at a grocery store for about four years--I know how fun it is to chase down stray carts.

up and away

2010-07-28T19:22:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist sharing this link. I happened across this Pixar themed engagement photo shoot. The couple's favorite movie is "Up."

View the photos here:
http://www.weddingchicks.com/wedding-chicks/engagement-sessions/37401/disney-pixars-up-engagement-shoot/

good morning, tuesday

2010-07-27T11:02:00.000-05:00

I hope Amanda is reading this blog, because I'm pretty sure she'll love this video I found. I know we both have a lot of love for both of these people (or at least for the girl). Have a happy Tuesdsay.

meaningless

2010-07-26T19:40:00.000-05:00


Image borrowed from Sixty-Six Clouds: Word Cloud Bible at www.identity33.com

"Meaningless! Meaningless!"

says the Teacher.

"Utterly meaningless!

Everything is meaningless."

Ecclesiastes 1:2

I don't know if it's wrong to have favorites, but Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books of the Bible. And this is why.

This was the original draft of my blog post:

This summer has been a lesson in disappointed expectations.

In my parent's house, you will find a futon, a sofa sleeper, a full bed, a coffee table, three desks, two dressers, three lamps, a coffee grinder, and several bookshelves, all to my name. Over the last few months (well, more like years), I have been stealthily amassing furniture, waiting anxiously for the day I could move out on my own. I was sure that day would come this summer. I had a roommate lined up, a place picked out, and an application completed. But unfortunately, the thing that always seems to happen, happened: something came up. Something came up and she could no longer be my roommate. And now I'm back to square one. Except now I have way more crap.

My parents like to tease me about it. "So you've got a futon and a couch and all these things--have you thought about finding someone to live with?" or "Why don't you go on that Facebook thing and find some more friends?" I feel that they have the right, seeing as they are currently harboring me and all of my possessions. Besides, I think the situation is comical as well. And I do realize I could venture out and live on my own. In fact, I'd love to. I just don't know if I could afford it. And I'm too scared to risk it.

But the summer has challenged my expectations in other ways as well. Zach and I were looking forward to the summer as the time of the year we'd finally get to hang out together more often. Zach's manager told him he'd be working full-time in the evening, and so I requested the closest thing to an evening shift at my job, 11:30 to 8, Sunday through Thursday. Two weeks into the summer, Zach's manager informed him that not only would he no longer be working full-time, but that his occasional shifts would often be morning shifts. So much for seeing each other. Now I'm stuck with what is possibly the worst placement of 8.5 hours of work. Bleh.

Zach isn't the only person I'm not seeing as often as I'd like. One of my best friends, Janie, will be leaving the country this fall, possibly never to return. And I've seen her once since May. My good friend Stacy was in town from South Carolina for an entire week this month, and I was so consumed with planning for a camp that I forgot she was here until it was too late.

So here I am. The summer is half over. I spent the first half of the summer planning a camp, and will spend the second half building an enormous website with a friend that I volunteered to make for free. I'm not complaining--both of those tasks I gladly signed up for and am happy to do. But when everything adds up, this summer is nowhere near what I had depended on.

This is the summer of seeing everyone around me graduate and move on, or get married, or get engaged, or move out. Do I necessarily want all of those things? No. But do I feel left behind like a selfish little child? Yes.

There, that was the blog post. What a pathetic, whining rant of a post that was. And then somehow I thought of Ecclesiastes (thanks Holy Spirit). I cruised over to BibleGateway.com, and Ecclesiastes slapped me in my stupid face (to steal a phrase from Zach).

Ecclesiastes 3:22 "So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?"

I think that God is using this summer to hammer into me the lesson that you can't count on the future. The present is really all that matters, and even that is meaningless when not working for God. The past is inaccessible and the future is known only to God, so just do what you can to live for Him now.

the big night

2010-03-07T15:55:00.007-06:00

For some unexplainable reason, I adore Oscar night. I don't know why--almost everything about it should point to me disliking it: the spectacle, the drama, the hype. But if you look past all of this, down to it's very core, it's really a group of people gathering once a year to pay tribute to the beautiful art that is filmmaking.

At least that's how I choose to view it.

Anyway, I've been a little MIA lately, but I thought I'd still sneak in a few last-minute comments about films in 2009 and who I'd like to see win some awards tonight.

Also, for those of you wondering where the "master list" of 2009 films is, the Academy puts out a list every year of all the films eligible to be nominate for best picture.

Who I'd like to see win:
Sadly, there really aren't any movies or actors this year that I'm really rooting for. Normally there's at least one contender for Best Picture that I can really get behind and root for; this year, however, there are quite a few films and performances I like, but none that I love. Basically, as long as Avatar or The Blind Side don't win Best Picture, I'll be happy. Both were OK, but neither are Best Picture worthy.

Though I do think Christoph Waltz should win Best Supporting Actor (Inglourious Basterds). And I'm rooting for Carey Mulligan, even though I have yet to see An Education.

Worst Movie of 2009:
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (yes, even worse than The Proposal)

Biggest Disappointments:
9
Public Enemies

Top Favorites:
Where the Wild Things Are
(500) Days of Summer

Most Laughs:
I Love You, Man
Inglourious Basterds

Most Tears:
Up (those first five minutes killed me)
Where the Wild Things Are (I was a mess at the end of this movie)

Movies I was able to see from 2009:
9 (NOT to be confused with "Nine")
(500) Days of Summer
17 Again
Adventureland
All About Steve (saw half of it)
Avatar
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Coraline
District 9
Fired Up
Funny People
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
I Love You, Man
Inglourious Basterds
Invictus
Julie & Julia
Moon
New in Town
Public Enemies
Sherlock Holmes
Star Trek
State of Play
The Blind Side
The Hangover
The Hurt Locker
The Invention of Lying
The Proposal
Up
Where the Wild Things Are
Whip It
X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Movies I missed but still want to see:
A Serious Man
Adam
An Education
Away We Go
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Monsters vs Aliens
Precious
Sunshine Cleaning
Taken
Taking Woodstock
The Bluetooth Virgin
The Princess and the Frog
The Road
The Soloist
Up in the Air
Zombieland

That's all for now, folks. More later....? Perhaps. =) And feel free to share your picks, if you feel so inclined.

Two thousand ten

2010-01-06T21:21:00.006-06:00

Would I come across as sounding too eccentric if I said that I am so happy to no longer be living in an odd numbered year? A sigh of relief for even numbers--even years are always better.

As a blogger, January is my favorite month of the year. Yes, I do love to make up resolutions with blind optimism and page through the best memories from the previous year. But the real treat is when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences releases the Reminder List for voting members and I can get my hands on this complete list of movies released in 2009. Nerdy as it sounds, I like to go through this quite comprehensive index and list the movies I had the chance to see as well as the movies I wish I would have made time for. So, blog fans, expect to see some more posts in the near future about the films of 2009.

And really, January wouldn't be complete without resolutions. Do I remember them by the end of the year? Heck no. But do I have fun making them? You BET I do!

Really, the only real "resolutions" I have this year are directly related to blogging. Last year, I believe I said I wanted to commit to writing an entry once a week? Well, I think that was such a good idea that I'm going to say it again this year--one entry per week, minimum.

Second, I've toyed with the idea of posting some film reviews on this blog, but I never actually got up the gumption to do it. I'd like to try to write a brief review or even a few comments about each movie I see this year (or at least the newer releases).

So there you have it. May God bless my and everyone else's resolutions.

Review: 9

2010-01-05T15:51:00.009-06:00

I was unabashadly excited for this film. In fact, I was so intrigued by the film's asthetics that in the couple of months leading up to the film's release, my desktop background feautred the movie's poster (left) and my Twitter icon was a small snapshot of the main character 9's stitched face. Unfortunately, as a busy student, the film went through theatres without me having the chance to see it. I was finally able to watch the film with Zach last night, and I have to admit--I'm glad I didn't pay to see it in theatres.

Despite the fact that 9 was less than 80 minutes long, I still found myself checking my watch. This film jumped into the plot almost immediately without giving much of an explanation for how the palm-sized sock puppet "9" was given life or how the world around him had faded to apocalyptic ash and ruin. Normally, I would commend the screenwriter for letting the audience figure things out on their own; however, in the case of 9, this rushed treatment prevented me from ever forming an attachment to the characters. I felt sympathy and curiousity for the numbered handmade inventions, yes, but never did I feel like they were in any real danger. The Beast, a mechanical villain that was so terrifying to the little inventions that they retreated into hiding, was killed early in the movie after a short skirmish that almost looked easy, begging the questions, "Why hadn't they just done that earlier?" Also, the questions raised throughout the film were either interesting queries that were never even addressed or were obvious questions that were answered with redundant spoon-fed narration.

By the end of this movie, the only emotion I felt was sadness about the opportunities that this visually intriguing film squandered. I didn't really believe in or care about the problems of the characters, and it felt like the filmmakers didn't either.

Week 2: No Shampoo

2009-12-29T09:58:00.008-06:00

Okay, before you shrink away in disgust at the concept of my hair going without shampoo for an entire week, hear me out.

Awhile ago, I read an article on Amanda's blog about going without shampoo (sorry, can't find the entry anymore). Anyway, the simplified theory is that most shampoos contain harmful chemicals that strip your hair of its natural oils, therefore requiring your body to make much more oil to compensate. If the shampoo is removed, the body will, supposedly, adjust and produce much less oil.

At first, I scoffed. Hah.

But then, after weeks of frustration with my quite dry yet perplexingly greasy hair, I threw up my hands and cried the words I vowed I never would: "I hate my hair!"

Since then, I've done my best to read a variety of articles about this no shampoo philosophy. I found lots of articles saying the same thing--that you can use baking soda and apple cider vinegar as a replacement for shampoo--but I still had many unanswered questions. Do I still use conditioner? How often do I use this shampoo replacement? How long will it take for my hair to transition from overly greasy to oil equilibrium?

This article from wikiHow helped a bit. It basically encouraged me to use a less expensive conditioner to cleanse my hair and give my scalp a little massage, followed by leaving a moisturizing conditioner in my hair for about 5 minutes. Once or twice a week, it recommends using the baking soda shampoo substitute. Feeling I had nothing to lose, I decided to follow this strategy for a few weeks and see where it takes me. The last time I used shampoo was Monday, December 21.

So far, the difference is very slight. My hair feels a little greasier than average, but I'm hoping that my body will adjust in the predicted 2-4 weeks. I haven't even used the baking soda yet--just 1-2 rounds of conditioner with each shower. Who knows... depending on the outcome, maybe I'll even post before and after pictures.

It's definitely too early for me to have an opinion one way or another about this no shampoo business, but I do feel like my hair is happier with me--like I'm not killing it slowly with each wash. And for that, I'm grateful.

Conversations at Dove

2009-11-29T22:38:00.003-06:00

This morning I played piano at the church service at Dove Healthcare center. I use the words "played" and "service" very liberally here. My attempts to accompany the service were limited to pounding out the melody and alto part with my right hand.The scrap of paper I wrote the hymns down on was accidentally thrown away by an innocent member of my family and I didn't realize until too late. No practice for me. Also, anyone who has attended one of these "services" knows that they are very similar to what I'd imagine holding a long chapel at a daycare would be like.

When I arrived, I sat at the piano to quickly run through the hymns for that morning. A old couple was seated almost immediately to my left. As I started to warm up, I overheard the following exchange between the husband and wife:

Woman (very loudly): Look. Look at her. She doesn't look well at all.
{and since she is three feet away, I can tell from the corner of my eye that she is pointing right at me}

Man: What?

Woman: She doesn't look well.

Man: She can hear you.

Woman: What?

Man: She can hear you what you're saying!

Woman: Really? No...

Man: Yes, I can tell.

Woman: You can tell?

Man: Yes, I can tell! I can tell just by looking at her.

(Long pause while both of them lean forward and stare at me while I stumble through the rest of the verse).

Yikes, I've never tried harder to keep a blank face. Playing for Dove is never boring.

OK, one more video, GO

2009-11-14T13:14:00.006-06:00

This past Thursday I had to chance to see one of my favorite bands in concert at the UW. OK Go's next CD doesn't come until January, but they released their latest music video just a few days ago. And it is outstanding.

If the video isn't working, try this link.
Sorry about the lyrics, but you've got to check the video out... It is just fascinating.

If you like it, check out some of their other music videos (you've probably seen the treadmill one before). They are all extremely original.

yes, i'm resorting to cute animal videos to fill my blog

2009-11-14T12:58:00.005-06:00

Most of this grey, overcast Saturday will be spent catching up on laundry and cleaning my room, but first I just had to share this short video. This kitten should brighten up your afternoon.

It's all Steinbeck's fault

2009-09-23T22:52:00.005-05:00

On a bright Saturday morning a few weekends ago, I took a trip to Crossroad Books with Janie. I am ashamed to say it was my first trip. How had I never been there before? The store is small, crowded, musty, and stacked floor to ceiling with books--everything a bookstore should be.

While waiting for Janie to find the books she needed for class, I walked up and down the aisles, hoping to find something I couldn't say no to. I happened upon this novel:

I found this book in 11th grade when I was required to select from a long list a book by an American author. I can remember the exact setting in which I finished reading this book. And let me tell you, it is heartwrenching. Absolutely devastating.

I have read many books, and I have cried many times. But for some reason, this book was different. For some reason, this book hit a spot that no other book had. I must have finished it during a study hall I was spending in the Commons or a lunch period, because I remember walking from the Commons up to Reim Hall in a daze. Shannon was walking with me, and I simply recall babbling on to her about how beautifully tragic the story was... how much I loved it... how deeply it touched me... and how at this moment I knew, that whatever I did in my life, I wanted in some way to affect others. Just like that book had affected me, I wanted to affect others. I remember saying that I wanted to make others feel things. Feel emotions! Whether good or bad, I didn't even care. I just had to impact others. I knew I sounded like a complete hopeless and ridiculous mess, but I didn't care. I wasn't ashamed.

Even now, years later, I can still feel what I felt on that day with perfect clarity. And so, when I picked up an old used copy of The Acts of King Arthur and His Noble Knights by Steinbeck that Saturday morning, I knew I had to take it home with me. I felt I owed it at least that much. Every time I think about my future, about what I could possibly do in my life, I remember that book, and the way I felt when I finished it.

How's that for over-dramatic?

new policy

2009-08-22T10:22:00.005-05:00

I picked up the newspaper this morning, and this was the headline:

Lutherans drop gay clergy ban.

It just saddens me. This is a denomination that was born in a reformation, that was founded on the belief that the Bible is the TRUTH, and that turned away from everything that the world at the time was saying. It just saddens me that a denomination so built on Scripture alone is caving in to the pressures of society so easily.

What next?

after thought

2009-08-18T11:32:00.003-05:00

Looking back on my post from last night, I realize I sounded quite bitter. I sounded upset. Well, I'm not. The truth is, I just felt sad. I look around at all of the amazing resources and people in my church and community and I just want everyone to grow in Christ to their full potential. I look at myself and I see someone doing the bare minimum (but still doing a lot of talking). And I just feel like too often we fall short and take the easy way out, we avoid personal interaction and discussing the difficult topics. I want us to feel comfortable supporting and loving one another.

I speak out of love, because I know through Christ we can do more. I have hope, lots of hope, and I am excited for the future.

"1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load." Galatians 6:1-5

what I need? what my church needs?

2009-08-18T00:05:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I was listening to a sermon I had downloaded to my iPod while cleaning my room. It was given by a man named Matt Chandler from the Village Church in Texas, near Dallas. In the final movement of his sermon, he asked the congregation if he could just say something--just rant for a moment. And he said this (or something like this):

"Women, how many more bible studies are we going to do? Can we maybe run some of the plays, instead of just studying them?

Men, how much you gonna study before you gonna play?

Everybody can talk it; nobody wants to engage anybody with it.... at least very few of us do. WHY?"

And these sentences, so simply and bluntly put, cut me to the heart. How many circles have I sat in and spoken about the call to mission work? How many times have I discussed prayer, and confessing to one another, and being open with one another? How many times have I spoken about how to live and how to teach others about Christ? And yet when have I actually put ANY of this into practice? Let me tell you I felt humbled and ashamed.

I encourage you. Go to iTunes. Go to the Village Church sermon podcast. Download the free sermon called "The Great Cause (Part 1): The Call to Mission," and if nothing else, listen to the last few minutes.

And it got me thinking about something I've been thinking about for some time now. My church here in Eau Claire, Messiah Lutheran, is calling a new pastor. Ever since we started calling, I've been trying to think about what I would tell someone considering the call to Eau Claire. What is Messiah Lutheran like? What type of shepherd does Messiah Lutheran need? What do the believers here need? And I think that in a few sentences this sermon put into words everything I've been feeling.

I think Messiah needs to be woken up. Woken up to the reality that the we are PHARISEES depending far too greatly on our superior knowledge of God's Word to preserve us. And just like the pharisees, we consider ourselves better than others--more pure than other Christians. Well you know what, we may have the knowledge, but we aren't doing much with it. Just like in that sermon above, how long will we study before we actually put that knowledge into play?

I realize that just because I am weak it doesn't mean that everyone is. I'm not saying that every single person at my church is falling into this trap. I'm sure there are those that are DOING things according to their faith and by the grace of God. I must just be missing it. And regardless, no one is perfect. Everyone can use a little (or a lot of) Law in their lives. Part of me doesn't want to offend, but then the rest of me thinks maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I ruffled some feathers.

We need to be looked straight in the eye and hear "How many times will we continue to meet before we actually DO what we talk about?

How many times will the women of this congregation gather for Bible studies and meetings before they are ready to DO what they talk about?

How many times will the men of this congregation meet in Bible studies and meetings before they are ready to DO what they discuss?

How long will we hide behind our busy schedules? We put all our focus into serving a role on a committee but we don't know how to talk to one another about Christ.

Serving the church, whether through attending meetings or baking cookies, is all well and good. But how long before we turn to the Christian next to us and attend to their SPIRITUAL needs? How long before we admit to ourselves and to one another I AM BROKEN, I NEED CHRIST?

How long before we will PRAY with one another outside of church and outside of meal time? How long before we can CONFESS to one another? How long before we can WITNESS to one another? How long before we can ADMONISH one another? How long before we can step out of this church and DO the mission work we spend so many hours talking about?"

Almost every morning for the last few mornings I have started my day with the same song--"I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real. The chorus simply cries out, "I'm not alright. I'm broken inside, broken inside... That's why I need you." It is heartfelt and honest and genuine and it just makes me want to drop to my knees and cry out with the singer, "I'M NOT ALRIGHT!"

I don't know if this random jumble of thoughts makes any sense to anyone other than me, but somehow this describes what this young and naive young woman thinks her church needs (or at least what I need?). We need Christ (duh). We need to be humbled. We need a sense of urgency. We need honesty. We need a pastor who will say the uncomfortable things, that will be blunt and tell us what we need to hear and not what we want to hear... Someone that will help us CONFESS our sins to one another instead of doing our very best to hide them. Church should be the one place above all others that we can unload our burdens and admit our brokenness and wretchedness and be comforted and forgiven. But instead, it feels more like a beauty pageant where each week I get better and better at hiding the flaws.

And maybe I'm way off. Maybe this doesn't reflect anyone else. Anybody out there reading this--do I assume wrongly? Am I speaking out of place? I guess I can't and shouldn't speak for the whole church, but I can speak for myself when I say this:

I just need someone to look at me and ask me, "Danielle, what are YOU doing for the kingdom?" Because right now I don't have an answer for that question.

I'm just getting by, hoping no one will look to closely or ask me, so I can continue praising God with my words without actually having to DO anything.

God help me.

"Faith without deeds is dead." James 2:26

California, continued

2009-07-29T13:28:00.009-05:00

Day 1. San Francisco with Ryan Grandparents and Mary Katherine

We spent the first two nights in San Francisco on Potrero Hill with Mary Katherine (my grandma's cousin who is basically like a third grandma to Emily and I). We told my grandparents and Mary Katherine that we simply wanted to be tourists in San Francisco and see whatever we could pack into one day. So on an exceptionally foggy Thursday, Zach and I...

Rode a cable car
Walked along Pier 39 to see the sea lions
Drove to Fort Point, viewed the underside of the Golden Gate Bridge, and learned how to fire a cannon
Drove down Lombard Street and ate at Mel's Diner
Drove to the Cliff House and put our feet in the water
Ate ice cream at Ghirardelli Square
Drove through Golden Gate Park and Chinatown
Drove to the top of Twin Peaks, where we could see absolutely nothing due to the fog

Beautiful day. San Francisco pictures were somehow separated from the rest--I'll post those to my album later.

Day 2. Santa Cruz with Brandon and Madeline

We spent Friday with Maddie and Brandon who took us to Waddell Beach to hike inland and see the Redwoods. We then ate a picnic lunch on the very windy beach and watched the kite surfers. After lunch we drove to the Boardwalk at Santa Cruz for a couple of rides and to put our feet in the freezing water. We finished the evening with In-n-Out Burger, animal style. =)

Day 3. Monterey

Zach and I attempted to enjoy a day to ourselves in Monterey. Unfortunately the rest of the world had the same idea and Monterey was busier than I've ever seen it. Our visit to the aquarium was shortened due to the crowds and abundance of strollers, so we drove along the coast and took the 17 Mile Drive.

Day 4. Mountain View & Sunnyvale with Drews Family

On Sunday morning we were able to go to St. Stephen Lutheran Church in Mountain View--the church I was raised at. I miss this church and it's open and warm atmosphere so much. There's something so refreshing and encouraging about services where people raise their hands with prayer requests and Bible classes where members admit that they are confused or uncertain. After a relaxing lunch and nap, Dan took us out to Shoreline Lake where we attempted to paddle boat for an hour.

The trip was short but it was good to get away. I'm mostly glad I had a chance to let Zach see where I grew up and to meet my family. Sorry, this post is kind of dry and feels like a PowerPoint, but that's about all I have to say for now. If you want to see more pictures, here's the link to my album:

2009: California Trip with Zach

foggy california

2009-07-28T15:54:00.012-05:00

Zach and I returned at 5:45 Monday morning from a long weekend in Northern California. With only four full days to spend, we had to divide our time carefully among our friends and family: one day with my mom's family, one day with my dad's family, one day with friends, and one day for ourselves.

More pictures and stories to follow, I promise! Until then, enjoy this panorama.

Monterey, California
July 25, 2009

on theses and theories

2009-07-02T15:46:00.004-05:00

I pause during the middle of a 24 hour paper writing cram session (6 pages down, 6 to go) to discuss another of life's simple joys.

There is something beautiful about the moment when, after searching through text after text, you find an author whose work says exactly what you want to say. They are just what you're looking for. You are totally on the same page. Their book will be the perfect source for your paper. It's a precious moment of affirmation, when you can breathe and say, "Yes! I knew my thesis wasn't that crazy. Look, this other person thought the same thing!"

And let's end this nerdy post here.

2009-06-24T16:42:00.002-05:00

I can't believe how long of a hiatus I took from the blog world.

And it's not that I had nothing to say. Quite the reverse. I have been practically exploding with vents and rants and thinks and brilliant ideas (for sure). But for some reason, I haven't been able to write. And it's been incredibly frustrating.

So hopefully this means I'm back?

Since my last blog...

Mom spent two weeks in the hospital waiting out double pneumonia, and I realize the true extent of my own wimpiness when I feel faint watching my mom get her blood pressure taken.
Family vacation to Mexico is cancelled so mom can recover which allows me to help Zach direct the God's Kids Bible Camp coming up in July.
Selfish shout out: If anyone out there is a lifeguard and wants to help at camp, please speak now or forever hold your peace--otherwise I'm signed up for lifeguard classes this weekend and next week so that we can have the needed amount of lifesavers at camp.
Second selfish shout out: If you are a NURSE and you're reading this and want to help with camp, please also let me know. Sorry, I know, I'm shameless.
Early American Autobiographies isn't as dreadful as I anticipated. I almost don't mind spending every weekday morning of my summer vacation in a classroom talking about dead Puritans.
Most thrilling to me: I'm excited about the Church again (and yes, I mean the big Church and not any specific congregation). Over the past couple months I've felt like God reached down from heaven with soul CPR and gave my spirit a much needed jumpstart. I feel inspired by everything--I haven't felt this motivated toward Church work since high school. Praise God. I'm guessing I'll talk about that more later.

That's all for now. But I'll be back soon. I promise.

Until then, for all you nerds out there, enjoy this...

http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2008/02/3-year-old-expl/

hello world

2009-04-27T09:48:00.001-05:00

Testing, 1, 2, 3, tesing. Check check.

Just testing out the new “email to blog post” function and seeing how I like it.

Today is beautifully dismal and melancholy. I love it. I only wish I was by a window so I could soak in the overall grayness outside instead of lost in a maze of computers and unbalanced students cramming before finals week.

Song for this dark gray day: Limousine by Brand New
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKg2b8glcpA

i'm feeling nostalgic again

2009-04-19T21:02:00.003-05:00

I don't know why I'm sharing this now, or how this memory even came up after all these years, but here it is. The story of me.

When I think of life defining moments, I think of a single moment when I was only four years old. I remember three things about the setting: I was wearing gray San Francisco 49er sweatpants; I accompanying my parents on a camping trip with their scuba diving friends; we were eating abalone. I remember no other specifics, only that I either said something silly or did something ridiculous that provoked laughter from the adults around me, and in that moment I had a revelation. I realized fully, for the first time, that if I did something funny, I could make others laugh. It might sound a bit obvious, but for some reason I can specifically remember the exact moment this all clicked into place in my young and impressionable mind. I felt as if I had been given a rare power to affect others and the possibilities were endless. I’m quite sure I spent the rest of the evening making an utter fool out of myself, begging for attention and trying to summon more laughter until my mom scolded me for being obnoxious. But it was too late for me. That single moment set the stage for who I am today—a self-conscious girl obsessed with the reactions of everyone around me. I aim to amuse, to impress, to entertain, to affect anyone listening, and my words and actions are often calculated for those purposes. I try very hard, perhaps too hard, to be funny, sometimes at the expense of others, and often at my own expense. I analyze every reaction to my comments—did they laugh? Were they just being polite? Do they think I’m an idiot? Did I say the right thing? What can I say next to make them laugh? The questioning never stops. Who knew such a simple moment so long ago could have such consequences?

“We are each […] unwilling to speak unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room.”

- Elizabeth Bennet, Pride and Prejudice

I'd stalk you if you were still alive

2009-03-26T09:36:00.005-05:00

I wish Roald Dahl was still alive. I'd definitely follow his blogs, and his updates on Twitter. He seems like a funny guy. That's all I have to say right now.

Song of the day: Dry the Rain by the Beta Band. "It'll be alright, it'll be alright..."

cheers

2009-03-17T20:30:00.005-05:00

Exactly one year ago today I was sitting next to Jenny in a little Irish pub in Wittenberg, Germany, sipping a Guinness to celebrate the holiday.

Tonight I'm at home in pajamas drinking a Foster's and watching Woody Allen's Crimes & Misdemeanors.

Cheers to Jenny and Luke, whom I love very much, on finally getting engaged. =)

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

story time

2009-03-13T09:32:00.003-05:00

Here it is, the India story I just wrote for an assignment that I referenced in a previous post. It's a bit long and a bit crude in some places, sorry, but I feel like posting it anyways... Why not.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I never thought the act of taking a good crap was a luxury until that afternoon I found myself jonesing for a decent toilet seat in the middle of a rice patty in India.

We had been traveling across Andrah Pradesh in southern India for three weeks—six grown men and two young women, both of us named Danielle, hugging our elbows and knees in a small SUV that was intended to fit only four comfortably. Even with our eight adults and ten suitcases we felt like we were squandering resources as we passed motorcycles carrying families of four, and rickshaws with twelve Indians hanging out the sides, a goat in the lap of the driver, and a crate of six dozen eggs strapped precariously to the back.

This was our last night of teaching Bible stories. The next day we would climb into that once white SUV and make the six-hour drive to Chennai where we would spend our last two nights in India before boarding the plane back to the States. For this final session, our Indian driver and translator had driven our group two hours outside of the city of Vanyambadi to a small farming community. We pulled in to the center of their village to find all sixty or so locals waiting for us. All the buildings of the village were contained within a fifty yard square and in the center was a small open area of hard packed earth, fringed by palm trees, where they had gathered all of the children together. At the narrow end of this rectangle of open space was a row of seven bright blue plastic chairs—one for each of us six sweaty and pasty Americans and one for our Indian translator. The driver would wait with his car.

We took our seats humbly, having learned by now that they would accept nothing less than our being seated while they either stood or sat on the ground to listen. This special treatment was perhaps the most unpleasant aspect about my time in India. I didn’t like being treated like the soft and spoiled American I knew I was. The children sat cross-legged in the dirt immediately in front of us, packed together with their elbows overlapping and their dark eyes wide with awe. They giggled nervously when we smiled at them, and blushed uncontrollably and grabbed each other’s arms with glee when we winked at them. When a camera was revealed, chaos ensued, each child determined to be in the frame.

After an introduction from the local pastor, we began our lessons. Rick taught the story of creation, Danielle #1 followed with the story of Jesus and the ten lepers, Lee taught the story of Easter, and I finished with the resurrection and the promise of heaven.

After an hour of sitting and listening to the others speak, I suddenly became uncomfortable.

The Indian diet was taking its toll on all of us. Twenty plus days of nothing but vegetable fried rice, naan bread, bananas, and mangoes will have plenty of effects, but constipation is definitely not one of them. We were popping Pepto-Bismol pills like they were candy, and after one uneasy morning, we scoured the fine print and were relieved to find that waking up with a black tongue is one of the normal side effects of such consumption. We spent the long car rides wishing for things we had never thought to wish for—being able to drink straight out of the tap, showering with a real showerhead and not the bucket of water and a cup we were given each morning, and being able to pass gas with confidence instead of worrying that you were instead—well, I’ll stop there. The point is, consistent and reliable bowel movements had become a privilege, and the need to “go” was no longer something that could be avoided with careful planning or even self-control.

Behind all of the children and adults I saw a small building that looked indicative of the standard Indian outhouse, and I quietly excused myself and walked along the outside of the packed crowd toward the building. I opened the door, and much to my dismay the dark room consisted of a flat cement floor with various bowls and cups stacked in the corner and one large tub filled with water. In the center of the floor was a small round hole that looked like the destination hole in a game of mini golf. Although I hadn’t seen this specific style of restroom yet, I had heard that it was fairly standard—one would relieve themself on the cement floor and then throw water across the surface to wash everything down the small drain hole. I took one look at that hole and decided I sure as heck was not going to try to go #2 down it.

As I stood in the doorway pondering my future, a young Indian woman came up behind me and began asking me questions in Telegu. I shook my head apologetically to indicate I had no idea what she was trying to communicate.

“Toilet?” I asked tentatively.

She nodded in recognition and pointed at the hole, “Toilet.”

I sighed and said again, this time with raised eyebrows and a hint of panic, “No, toilet.”

Her eye widened and her head bobbed from side to side in the typical Indian method of affirmation. She turned and walked a few steps further away from the crowd, then beckoned me to follow her. As she led me toward the huts, another young woman with a baby on her hip joined us. The first woman spoke rapidly and the second woman glanced over at me and bobbed her head as well, “Aaah, toilet.” I was a novelty and she wanted a part in my rescue.

They lead me through a dozen small houses until we came to the home of the first woman. She gestured for me to wait and hurried inside. I stood awkwardly while the second woman rocked her baby and stared at me. She couldn’t have been much older than me. Her nose was pierced with a gold flower and her rough, dark hair was pulled back tightly into a low braid. The first woman soon emerged from the house with a large bowl of water and a cup and beckoned once again for me to follow her.

They led me with purposeful steps through the simple clay buildings and roaming chickens and goats grazing on discarded items. I followed, two paces behind, my conspicuous Teva sandles tracing the path their small bare feet left. Their backs were lean and the mother’s arm that carried the baby was strong from the extra weight. Their long braids brushed against their purple and orange saris and swayed with each step, bridging the stretch of dark skin between the skirt and bodice sections of their saris. The baby continued to stare at me from over her mother’s shoulder, her fist in her mouth and the whites of her eyes a stark contrast against the deep brown pupils and skin. Her ears were pierced and she wore an oversized shirt.

I became convinced that baby was smirking at me, and I felt even more awkward in my pale yellow cotton tee and long teal skirt with elastic waistband my mother had helped me sew. I traipsed behind, self-conscious of the sweat sliding down the front of my neck, of my thin and frayed dirt colored hair, of my pretentious sandals, of my bulky clothes, of my soft white gut under my thick cotton shirt, and of my overall naivety in this foreign country. And I just knew that baby was staring at me, thinking, Oh you silly tourist, you don’t even know how to shit without our help.

All buildings behind us now, I became concerned that the women hadn’t truly understood my needs. By now my situation was becoming urgent and I was becoming impatient, but we continued to walk. We walked along the edges of the rice patty until we found a narrow dirt path that navigated straight through the vegetation. We followed the path for another hundred yards until we reached a small growth of shrubs and two gnarled trees clustered together in the center of the expansive field. The first woman finally halted in front of me and with a very matter-of-fact tone, handed me the bucket of water with the cup floating inside, stepped a few paces away, turned around, and began conversing fluently with the other woman, their backs toward me.

So there I was, a girl from Wisconsin wearing a long homemade skirt, squatting in the middle of a field in India, a bowl of water in my hands and two strangers and a baby not ten feet away from me, thanking heaven for the toilet paper I kept folded in my waistband.

When I had finished, I straightened up and walked back to the women. They turned and smiled shyly at me, and I grinned back. On the way back to the village I walked alongside the women, a strange satisfaction and pride running through me. They giggled at my chewing gum and I laughed with them, not minding, savoring these few rare moments I felt like I had deserved throwing off the label of tourist.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

follow up to "stuff"

2009-03-09T18:55:00.002-05:00

This morning I walked into the bathroom near our offices and noticed that some kind soul had left a small bottle of Cucumber and Green Tea Linen and Room Spray on the edge of the sink.

Sharpied up and down the sides is "For Old Library Ladies Bathroom."

Whoever left that there... I love you.

P.S. I appreciated the bathroom related comments my original post evoked. I'm glad I'm not alone.

this made my day

2009-03-09T16:35:00.003-05:00

Happy Monday.

I woke up late, got to work late, got to class late... but in 23 seconds this video instantly brightened my whole day. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHXj3qgFs_k&eurl=http://failblog.org/page/3/&feature=player_embedded

stuff

2009-03-02T23:15:00.003-06:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks in the blog world. Not only has my brain gone numb, but every other blog I follow has been on creative overdrive. Congrats to every one else scoring home runs while I'm on the bleachers looking clueless. My problem isn't necessarily having nothing to write about, I just don't really have anything lovely to write about. I have no photos to upload, no crafts to display, no progress to speak of in any department. I've just got nothing in the inspiring category to say. I want to write about everything else. I don't want to dress it up, I don't want to make it pretty, I just want to blurt out the random loose-ends of ideas wrestling about in my head.

Somedays the bathroom closest to my office reeks like fish. Sometimes the ventilation just doesn't work in there, and throughout the day it gets more and more humid. One time, I walked in and the heavy, moist air smelled so strongly of salty, fishy, crappiness that I could actually taste it on my tongue. I almost gagged. Oh, and while were on the subject, today I turned in a story for my creative writing class about this one time I had to go #2 out in the middle of a field in a village in India. One of my finest moments, I know. And I am so sick of the Jonas Brothers. I know nothing about them, I don't even know a single song they sing, but I still dislike them. Today was one of those days I really wanted to go through seminary--not to be a pastor, just to learn everything I can. I finally bought Master & Commander this past weekend, watched it, and really want to watch it again. I just do not get sick of that movie. Why haven't more people seen it? I love it. I have spent the last hour trying to write a paper on technology and the pros and cons society faces by accepting all advances wholeheartedly, and all I have written on my page is, "Technology duh duh duh." Brilliant. I will surely win an award for this masterpiece.

All the blogs I read are so witty and cutesy, I just can't keep up. And it seems all I know how to write about is crap, literally. So here you go.

creepy

2009-02-04T20:33:00.001-06:00

Oh creepy creepiness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QO2OocOVcJo

back to the books

2009-01-26T09:16:00.007-06:00

Welcome back to school. Yipee. And I realize it doesn’t exactly come through in the typed format, but my tone was intended to be a bit sarcastic there. Laura and I were just commenting that this time last year we were packing for Europe, so forgive me if I’m not bouncing off the walls with excitement at the prospect of three more months of winter and school. =)

Last week I was complaining to Zach about how unprepared I felt for this semester and how much I was dreading it. He simply said, "I wouldn't worry too much about it. When you go and get your books you'll be all excited again."

And sure enough, he was right. As much as I hated standing in line at the bookstore for an hour yesterday to drop $180 on new textbooks, I couldn't help myself--I got a little chill of excitement about what I would be learning this semester. That cranky, pessimistic side of me couldn't quite shut up the ridiculous nerd in me.

School brings out the best and worst in me. One moment I'll be practically singing about how much I love analyzing short stories, and the next I'll be vehemently ranting about the stupid inconsistency of my Philosophy professor. I can spend the morning filled with enthusiasm and passion for life, and by mid-afternoon be going out of my way to criticise everything in my path while suffering from a caffeine induced headache. As my sleep decreases, my range of emotions increases--a very unforunate fact for those that have to suffer through my company throughout the week.

So for those of you who have the lovely pleasure of hearing me occasionally vent through my frustrations or gush with excitement (because I believe both are equally painful), I apologize. You are saints. Absolute stars.

the most wonderful time of the year

2009-01-20T18:31:00.006-06:00

The next Eau Claire public library's book sale is next weekend, and I can't wait. Library book sales are truly AWESOME events.

I have been buying books since I was old enough to spend money. Every Sunday on the way home from church I would beg my parents to stop at Borders, and if we did stop, I almost always left with a purchase. Every year for my birthday I would ask for the same thing from my grandparents: gift cards to Borders. I didn't want clothes, I didn't want toys, I didn't want anything fancy (except perhaps the latest Oregon Trail computer game), I just wanted the next book in the Redwall series or one of the few Roald Dahl books I was still missing. Yes I know--total nerd. But I love it.

And even though I've accumulated more books than I have space for or time for, I can't help feeling called to buy more. After all, it's for a good cause, right? Supporting the library? I just want to give those books a good home... is that so wrong? =)

I wonder if the library will let the money I spend at the book sale go toward paying off my current account balance of $22.70 in unpaid fines and bills...

p.s. two more things

2009-01-09T11:55:00.001-06:00

1. I do not know why the colors are reversed in that image below. Weird.
2. There will be no blog entries next week, because I will be away from the internet until further notice (about a week or so).

Best/Worst of 2008 - Cinematic Special

2009-01-09T11:31:00.003-06:00

I'm still not done processing 2008, so if you'll allow a few more blog entries to reminisce over the year that just ended, I'd be very appreciative.

Note: When I say "best" or "worst," please automatically substitute "in my own opinion, which is often wrong, I considered this the best or worst, or I enjoyed this the most or least." Thanks.

Best movies >> I saw 25 of the 281 films released in 2008 (list taken from the eligible films of 2008 list found on the Academy Awards page). Of those 25, these were my favorites.

SON OF RAMBOW
WALL-E
THE DARK KNIGHT
BE KIND REWIND
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
IRON MAN
DOUBT
IN BRUGES** (could not finish, but I really liked the first half)

Worst >> There weren't really too many movies I hated. Although, if I had to pick the two that annoyed me the most, it'd have to be GET SMART and DEFINITELY, MAYBE

Biggest Disappointments >> AUSTRALIA

Movies I Regret Not Seeing (or not being able to see, thanks to Eau Claire theatres) >>

SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK
THE WRESTLER
RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (but hey, this is coming to London Theatres on January 23!)
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
FROST/NIXON
GHOST TOWN
MILK
HUNGER
THE READER

Anything I missed? Any challenges?

auld lang syne

2009-01-01T14:42:00.005-06:00

Well look at that, it's 2009. Hooray for us.

In order to hold myself more accountable, my goals this year will be clear and concise. Rather than the vague 'let's do more of this or that' I want some specific, measurable things I can work toward. So, at the risk of embarrassing myself again, here I go...

1. Wear my retainer at least one day per week.
2. Write a journal entry at least once per week. I used to write all the time as a kid, and my journals from my childhood are probably some of my most valued possessions. I don't like the fact that over the past few years, I've really slacked off and have little record of what I was up to or, more importantly, how I was feeling.
3. Write a blog entry at least once a week. My motivation for this resolution is similar to my reasons for keeping a journal. However, because there is the possibility of others reading my blog entries, I do write in a more self-conscious manner and pay closer attention to elements like wording and tone. If I do want to be a real writer some day, it's good for me to practice as often as possible. =)
4. Spend at least a solid ten minutes a day in devotion with God. This means praying, reading the Bible, etc. How sad it is that I have to try so hard to make this happen, and that I fail so often.

So, there they are, my "resolutions" for this year. =) We'll see what happens...

2008 in Review: Part I

2008-12-29T12:56:00.007-06:00

Here was the introduction to a blog post written in January:

"And now for my New Year's resolutions. I usually forget about these within a week and have fun looking back on them and laughing at myself at the next new year ("I said I would do what?"). But either way, they're too fun to resist. So, here are my goals for 2008 for anyone to see (and to hold me accountable too)"

I couldn't have been more right. Looking back at my resolutions, I squirmed a bit with embarrassment and definitely laughed at myself. Here were my "resolutions," followed by the true outcome...

Resolution #1: Run a marathon.
Reality: Plans to run the NY Marathon fell through, probably for the best, but I did run an 8 mile run for a non-profit org in November, which is a start.

Resolution #2: READ MORE.
Reality: Hmm... I did post a VERY AMBITIOUS list of books I hoped to read and/or reread this year. Sadly, the only two books from that list I read were Atonement by Ian McEwan and The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I did, however, get to read some other good ones, like High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, that were unexpected but very worth while.

Resolution #3: Attack my scrapbooking box. I don't expect to be a master scrapbooker (in fact, I hope to never become a super scrapbooky person... it's just not me) but I need to at least sort through all that STUFF this year.
Reality: HA HA HA.

Resolution #4: Cut back on my "addictions" ... caffeine, gum, and chocolate.
Reality: Although moving to a country for 5 months that does not sell Vault Zero or sticks of Polar Ice gum does naturally help you cut back on those products, I developed new tastes and addictions. I instead discovered a love for lattes and Diet Coke, and ate Cadbury chocolate by the pound. And now that I'm back in the States, I'm chewing Polar Ice more than ever.

Resolution #5: Wear my retainer!
Reality: I think I actually improved in this category, but not as much as I'd hoped. Instead of wearing it the usual 4 times a year average, I might have broken in double digits... but definitely not more than 12 times.

Resolution #6: And, this one should be automatic, but I need to spend more time with God.
Reality: Yes, and no. England didn't exactly help my faith, but it did help me realize all the spiritual comforts of fellowship I take for granted. I also had the blessing of a Bible Study that was very beneficial while it lasted, but sadly, has had to dissolve since most of the members moved away.

Despite these shortcomings, I still feel drawn toward coming up with more goals for 2009. Maybe this time I'll just set the bar a lot lower. =)

of life, and death, and the life after death

2008-12-29T08:16:00.010-06:00

The last thought I held in my mind as I fell asleep last night was that I just don't make any sense.

This isn't exactly a new revelation, just a thought that was confirmed in the light of some recent insights. Last night Zach and I went to see Fincher's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." The movie was pretty good, but definitely had it's faults which I won't get sidetracked into discussing here. But the point is, this movie brings up over and over the problem of aging, and death, and the fact that nothing ever lasts...

This got me thinking about, you guessed it, life, and death, and aging, and the sad reality that nothing on this earth lasts. And this is where I become confused and conflicted.

I believe in heaven, in redemption, in eternal life after this flawed existence, but for some reason, I still hang on to this life more dearly than I ever should. I feel like that truth that "nothing ever lasts" should come as a comfort, not a burden... This troubled life won't last forever; there is a new and perfect life to come. But it really doesn't. I don't know at what point in my life I stopped looking forward to heaven, but when I think about heaven now, I feel nothing. I have no dislike or fear of heaven, nothing that would ever make me not want to be there after this earthly life, but I don't have any desire for it either. It feels blasphemous to even say, but it's true.

I'm too attached to this life, too wrapped up in the beauty and tragedy of it all. It saddens and confuses me that we have the capacity to feel such pain and such passion in a life that is so temporary. It's not that I think this life is fantastic, or so purely happy that I just want to keep living forever. I am quite often hurt or jealous or unhappy. But all those moments of pain just make everything else more beautiful. And there is definitely a self-pitying component of my personality that doesn't mind any sort of suffering, because it just gives me an "excuse" to wallow, or lets me feel like my life is more dramatic than it actually is. Pathetic.

But this is where things start to get complicated... When I was a child, I used to pray that I would die before I got too old. I didn't want a long life. I was scared of being a very old person. The thought of having most of my life behind me scares me. So while I don't want to age, I also don't want this life to end.

It seems that what I like about this life is the combination and contrast of the happy and the sad. I appreciate the complexity; and at times I crave the drama. But what confuses me is that while I find a strange satisfaction in wallowing in unfortunate events, there are certain things in life that terrify me because they seem to involve quite a bit of pain or sadness. Marriage, for example. Obviously I haven't experienced it myself, but despite all the "happily ever after" goop I have been spoon fed by fairy tales, novels, and romantic comedies from age 2, I have seen enough examples of relationships gone bad (fictional and non) to leave me extremely pessimistic. I find myself asking, is marriage ever worth it? Didn't all those now divorced couples start out with the same emotions of love and optimism I feel now? In fact, sometimes my cowardice is so crippling I convince myself it would be better to never experience marriage, and therefore bypass any unnecessary risk of pain. But that seems to go against everything I've just said about myself, doesn't it?

What confuses me even more is that one of the reasons I'm skeptical about heaven is because, from my understanding of the scriptures, there will be no marriage in heaven. While the prospect of a temporary earthly marriage occasionally induces feelings of strong anxiety, the thought of no such eternal relationship deeply saddens me. What? How does this even make sense? The rate at which I switch back and forth between a hopeless romantic and a crippling pessimist baffles me. One moment I'm embracing life and everything about it, the next I want to shut myself off from any risk of feeling emotion. How does that work? And which is the true me?

At a point in the movie, as became a bit overwhelmed with sadness at Benjamin Button's predicament of growing younger while all those he loves are aging and dying, I remember thinking, "But this shouldn't bother me, I'm a Christian. I know that there's more than this life." But I couldn't help crying. I couldn't help feeling so burdened by the shortness of this earthly life, and sad that the reward of heaven is not as comforting as it should be.

boxing day

2008-12-26T09:26:00.002-06:00

"Take it all down, Christmas is over
But do not despair, but rather be glad
We had a good year, now let's have another
Remembering all the good times that we had
Oh no more lights glistening
No more carols to sing
But Christmas, it makes way for spring
Though hearts of man are bitter in weather
As cold as the snow that falls from above
But just for one day we all came together
We showed the whole world that we know how to love
Oh no more lights glistening
No more carols to sing
But Christmas, it makes way for spring
Oh no more lights glistening
No more carols to sing
Christmas, it makes way for spring
Oh remember that Christmas, it makes way for spring..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEb3_du_5sk

Just thought I'd share my favorite Boxing Day song with anyone who's a bit sad that Christmas has passed.

white Christmas

2008-12-23T15:50:00.006-06:00

Sometimes I still find the midwest a bit of a novelty. I grew up on a busy street with a fenced in yard. I was never allowed in the front yard alone as a child, not even to get the mail. We rarely spoke to our neighbors, partly because I'm not sure they all spoke English, let alone invited them in or had them over for supper. I didn't realize that kids still delivered newspapers--I thought that was something that only happened in the towns where Leave It to Beaver or Lassie took place. White Christmases were something I had only ever seen in the movies.

But then I moved here, to Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I've lived here for six years, but it still manages to catch me off guard and charm me.

Today, for example... When I put on a hat and mitten to go shovel the snow off the front driveway, I felt like I had walked out into a Norman Rockwell painting, or the Charlie Brown Christmas special, or one of those little collectible Christmas villages middle aged women collect and arrange on their living room tables for the winter. The visiting grandkids of the elderly couple across the street were playing in the snow with their golden retriever puppy. They had skis attached to their feet and were clumsily making their way to the park across the street with their mother. As their dog, Tango, ran up to greet me, slipping and snuffling, they waved to me, calling out "How are you?" and "Beautiful day, isn't it? Merry Christmas!"

Even after six years of negative temperatures, vehicles rusted by salt, potholes, and humid summers riddled with gnats... Wisconsin still manages to surprise and charm me.

about growing up

2008-11-22T11:41:00.001-06:00

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

-Snow Patrol, 'Chocolate'

For the first time, I feel like I'm growing up. Well, perhaps that's not entirely true, I've felt little moments of maturing before... the day my mom took me bra shopping for the first time, getting my first credit card bill in the mail, getting my driver's license. But the distinction is, for the first time, these changes aren't necessarily against my will (just picture little Danielle being led through the bra section at JCPenny's, crying at the unavoidable tragedy of growing toward 'womanhood'). For once, I feel okay with maturing, with becoming an "adult."

If a biography were to be written about me (hah!), this chapter in my life would be the 'coming of age' chapter. Sure, generally coming of age movies feature kids around the high school age, but I'm just a little slow in this department. Maybe it just took me longer than most to realize that Peter Pan isn't real, and that aging is inevitable. I was never one of those kids that couldn't wait to be a 'big girl' or 'adult' or whatever... at least not to my memory. I was the girl who cried when she got her first period and used to pray to die before she got too old. Pathetic? Cowardly? Quite. But now I'm slowing getting the picture. I'm aware more than ever of my own selfishness, my own immaturity. I'm realizing that resisting being an 'adult' just hurts those around me. It's just selfish. I need to grow up.

And while I'm still weak to resist the urge to hide when neighbors are over (find a book, hide in the bathroom, nobody's going to question your presence in there for awhile), I still watch Wishbone whenever it's on TV, I still sit upside down on the couch when I want, and I still think 'woman' is a scary and old sounding word, I think I'm finally growing up. Yay, I guess? It's not something I'm necessarily thrilled about, but it's something that I know needs to happen, and it's something I actually want to happen... most of the time. =)

sleepwalking

2008-11-04T22:07:00.004-06:00

So I'm up cleaning my room, and my sister, who was asleep just minutes ago, shuffles into my doorway looking confused.

Blinking in the light, she says, "Hi."

"What's up?"

She seems confused. I ask her what she's doing up.

"The phone conversation said I needed to be up," she replies. I have to ask her to repeat this about 3 times before I can actually understand what she is muttering.

"The phone conversation? What phone conversation?"

"The one we just had," she replies. I haven't talked to her all day, and she hasn't been on the phone at all in the last couple hours. And then she walks back to her bed without another word, and is now asleep again.

This isn't unusual at all. In fact, it's one of the more tame encounters I've had with my sister's habitual sleepwalking affliction. Just thought I'd write it down before I forgot...

yeah, about that...

2008-09-25T13:37:00.002-05:00

My extremely genuine desire to not be late for an entire week kicked off this morning with a big fat FAIL.

This morning I slept through three alarms (well, turned off both my cell phone alarms and my alarm clock alarm in my dreams) and woke up an hour behind schedule. This resulted in me bribing my sister to drive me to school so that I wouldn't be late for my 8 am (which I definitely couldn't miss cause it was all review for a test tomorrow). Wow, pure talent right there.

At least I was exactly on time today, and class technically hadn't started yet when I strolled in (I was the last one in though). The guy I share a table with laughed at me. But tomorrow, test day, I shall be early!

And shut up Zach, you hypocrite.

re-tardy

2008-09-24T08:40:00.002-05:00

It's always been a family joke that if you want my dad to show up to anything on time, you need to tell him it starts at least an hour before it actually does. Once, when my dad was in college, he phoned his sister to ask what time the family was gathering (it was someone's birthday or something). She told him 1:30 pm. He arrived at 3:30 pm, and was frustrated to discover that no guests had actually arrived yet. Turns out the party wasn't supposed to start until 4 pm, but his sister knew him too well, and he was actually early for once.

Stuff like that about your parents is funny until you realize that you're turning into the same person. Today is the third time I've skipped my first hour class, simply because I was running late. I didn't sleep through class completely or forget to set an alarm or anything (actually, I did forget, come to think of it, but that wasn't the problem this morning), I just couldn't get my act together in time and left the house minutes later than I should have. Rather than walking in to class 8 minutes late, I skipped it all together. I hate being late. I hate walking late into a class so much, I'd generally rather just skip it. Yet, despite how frustrated I get with being late, I can't break the cycle. I just can't seem to get out of bed that 5 or 10 minutes early, which is really all I need to get to school on time. How pathetic is that?

I have been the last one into just about every class this semester, but it's got to stop. Here's my new challenge. Over the next week, I will not be late for my 8 am class (baby steps here). From tomorrow until next Friday, I will show up every day, and I will show up at least on time, preferably 5 minutes early. Hmm. We'll see how this goes...

love is...

2008-09-22T22:01:00.004-05:00

Love is a many splendored thing... so they say.

What does that even mean? Seriously. I don't even know what to think of that phrase. I don't get it.

And that's what I thought about today... but made no progress.

The end.

People are Dumb, Vol. I

2008-09-17T15:17:00.000-05:00

I recently bought a hair straightener. Go me. I feel a little more grown up, like I've somehow graduated into a new level of adulthood, or at least womanhood (yikes). I was slightly bothered, however, by the extensive manual that accompanied my new straightener. I would not have expected it to require pages and pages of warnings and directions. But, people are dumb. Very dumb. Here are a few of my favorite warnings regarding the use of Walgreen's cheapest hair straightener:

Do not use while bathing or in a shower.
This appliance should not be used by, on, or near children or individuals with certain disabilities.
Do not place in, or drop into water or other liquid.
This straightening iron is hot when in use.
Do not let eyes or bare skin touch heated surfaces.
Never use while sleeping. (my personal favorite)

Oh world, you are just hopeless.

blog brain

2008-09-12T15:01:00.002-05:00

For some reason, the recent lack of blogs leaking from my brain has got me down. When I can't write, as in, I just can't seem to produce words, it makes me incredibly sad. And when I simply don't write, I get itchy. I get restless. I get distracted. It's like there's too many ideas clogging up my brain, and I need to fish a few out to make everything a little clearer. Give the other thoughts still in there some room to grow.

It's not that I haven't been inspired by anything lately. Not at all. I've come to observe that I think in blogs, if that makes sense. Something I observe or learn strikes me as profound or ironic, and immediately that single thought expands and grows within my brain, gradually taking shape. Usually I will be obsessed with some theme or thought for days or weeks at a time, rehearsing it over and over in my head, until I have an entire sermon ready to be written. And these topics, these blogs, gather in my brain like burdens until I can finally publish them, either on this blog or in a more private format.

These past few weeks at least half a dozen such thoughts have been stagnating in my brain, waiting for me to finally put them to words. So like I said, it's not that I haven't had content, it's just that I simply haven't had the time or state of mind to sit down and write. How sad.

I want to write again, and more often, and I'm going to. I'm determined.

I feel much better already.

my identity?

2008-08-20T08:04:00.001-05:00

This has been going through my mind a lot lately, so to finish processing it, I’ve got to write about it.

We have a desire to ‘find ourselves.’ We have this natural tendency to want to understand who we are and what makes us unique. Why? I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense, but we do it. Or at least I do it.

But the devil knows this too, and he’s tricky.

There are relatively few things that I think are constant about my personality. Unfortunately, most of the reoccurring traits are my faults or weaknesses. There are certain things I struggle with, certain traits I’m not proud of that I know I should make an effort to expel. But deep, deep down, if I was to be completely honest with myself, I don’t want to change those failures. Why not? Because I define myself by them—they are part of my identity… and one of the only consistent elements of my identity. Changing them would mean performing a major remodel to the fragile image of myself I’ve tried to construct over the past 20 years.

But that’s pretty messed up. I need to define myself by who I am in Christ, not by my failures.

so happy together (me + caffeine)

2008-08-07T16:44:00.003-05:00

I was doing so well weaning myself off of my caffeine addiction, but I've officially crashed. After being inspired by Beth's blog over at Wake. Work. Rinse. Repeat., I decided that my crush on caffeine was unhealthy and it was high time I moved on to better sources of energy, like sleep. I was going strong for about two weeks, treating myself to a caffeinated beverage only once every few days and feeling great. However, last weekend at the 20s & 30s retreat near St. Louis, the combination of getting no sleep, needing to stay alert during hours of sitting and listening, and suddenly having access to a constant supply of free caffeine was all too tempting, and one drink every 3 days instantly become at least 3 drinks per day. Needless to say, ever since then the morning coffee has been flowing and I'm right back where I was a few weeks ago. Days like today, when I'm actually at home all day (joy!), it's especially tempting to keep refilling the mug from the thermos pot and add my favorite ingredients--a tablespoon of plain cocoa powder, vanilla soy milk, and vanilla caramel creamer. Mmmm. Hooray for fake, headache inducing, dehydrating energy in a cup. And just like that I'm back in my typical, ridiculous summer frame of mind: Who needs sleep? Not me! Sleep is such a waste of time! Look at all the cool things I could be doing other than sleeping! I'll never sleep again! Mwahaha! I'm invincible!

Oh, the crazy things caffeine and sleep deprivation do to me. Sorry for all those who actually have to be around me during these trying times. =)

baked beans

2008-07-27T13:29:00.005-05:00

I had baked beans on toast and a fried egg for breakfast this morning, and I felt English. I miss England today.

That's all for this morning. Perhaps I'll write something more insightful later.

Me vs. AC

2008-07-23T10:41:00.002-05:00

Seriously. Summer is for warm weather. Summer is for short sleeves. Summer is for sandals. Do we all agree? Good.

Then TELL ME WHY the computer lab that I work in is currently 50 degrees! UGH.

I feel like an idiot every morning when I bike to work in the heat, carrying a sweatshirt. But I know that if I don't, after twenty minutes has passed I will be sitting at my desk shivering in the super chilled office.

It just seems so ridiculous to be colder during the summer than during the winter.

Okay, venting session over. =)

Mmm books

2008-07-22T16:39:00.006-05:00

Awhile back I posted the following reading list for this year...

Reading List for 2008

To Reread
Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien
Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Watership Down by Richard Adams
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

To Finish
Fade by Robert Cormier
Atonement by Ian McEwan
Mere Christianity by CS Lewis

To Read
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Animal Farm by George Orwell
The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

Wow, I must have been CRAZY. How I'm supposed to finish all those books in a year is beyond me. I mean sure, if this was my gradeschool self when all I made time for was reading, I could do it. But really? Now? Anyways, the point of this is not to wallow in self-pity about my schedule, but to just sort of update that list now that the year is half way over.

I can actually check a few items off that list...

Books I have read in 2008 as of July 22:

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath - This book is fascinating. I recommend it to anyone who thinks they would enjoy living in the brain of a woman while she goes crazy.
High Fidelity by Nick Hornby - Saw the movie, loved the movie, then found the book--loved it. This book, more than just about any other, makes me want to be a writer. It's one of those books you read and wish you had written it.
Atonement by Ian McEwan - Saw the movie in the middle of reading this book. This author can spend 3 pages describing a single thought or sigh. Beautifully devastating.
The L-Shaped Room by Lynne Reid Banks - bought this for 1 euro in a bookstore in Germany
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer - yeah, yeah, I know... someone in England told me to read this and I bought into all the hype and gave it a chance, heh
Outlaws of Sherwood by Robin McKinley - reread this... childhood favorite. I love Robin Hood.

Right now I'm slowly but surely hacking my way through As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner. Ugh. But it's a book I'll have to read anyways this coming fall for a class called Representations of the Dead, so I might as well get a head start.

So, yeah, just felt like writing about books for some reason. If anybody's reading this at home and thinks to themself, 'Hey, I'm inspired, I should go read a book,' here is my suggestion:

THE ROAD by Cormac McCarthy

I believe that they're actually making this into a movie in November, so this is the perfect time to pick up this incredible read. I can't describe it. It's unlike anything else I've ever read. Just give it a chance.

Insomnia, by choice

2008-07-11T00:55:00.002-05:00

It's almost 1 am and I was just trying to fall asleep. Well, actually to be honest, trying isn't exactly the right word. I work tomorrow morning, my eyes are killing, and I know I should be sleeping. But instead I get out my laptop, turn it on, and here I am, sitting on my sheets, watching the lightning storm outside my window, and blogging.

I'm not sure why, but once summer rolls around, I hate sleeping. It just feels like such a waste of precious time. During the school year, it's all I can think about and all I want to do. But during vacation, I'll stay up for hours watching movies or Seinfeld and X-Files reruns or browsing the internet or cleaning my room or anything, simply because I don't want to sleep. And even when I get tired, I rarely get very sleepy, and eventually have to make myself head to bed because I know it's the wise choice. It's not like I can sleep in either. Even if I don't have something scheduled the next morning, once 9 or 9:30 rolls around I can't sleep any later with a clean conscience--I once again feel as though I'm wasting the day. I rarely am able to nap for the same reasons--I just feel as though I'm going to miss out on something. No matter how tired I've been, I think I've only been able to actually fall asleep in a nap twice in the past 6 months.

So here I lay, staring at a blank dark ceiling, not wanting to sleep. It's just such a waste of my time. Oh well, maybe I'll have a good dream tonight.

This is America

2008-07-09T17:55:00.006-05:00

This blog is quite behind schedule, but I was going through all the unpublished drafts in my queue of blogs and found this one from a couple weeks ago. Just thought I'd share...

Since my arrival in the States, my feelings toward the USA have been somewhat conflicted. I guess the word I'm looking for is disenchanted. After 5 months of being around people who isolated and exaggerated every flaw and negative stereotype of Americans at every chance, it rubbed off on me. I came home to find that perhaps the criticism was more true than I remembered.

Celebrating the fourth of July was therefore not something I was looking forward to with any exceptional passion, but it ended up being the best thing for me. I spent the day in Colorado with my family and the Kolb family, picnicking on a grass field with thousands of other Americans, most dressed head to toe in red, white & blue, listening to orchestras play America the Beautiful and shoot off cannons during the 1812 Overture, and watching skydivers and fireworks fill the sky.

There was something about lying on the grass, watching fireworks synchronized to the song 'I'm Already There' (complete with recorded messages to loved ones overseas) and crying along with thousands of other people that just brought me peace with this country like nothing else has been able to. And I realized, say what you will, this is America too. Sure, we have flaws, plenty, but there is much to love about this country too.

Enjoy some photos I took that day... some snapshots of America.

Fourth of July picnic

Oh Uncle Sam

Couldn't resist this picture... and yes that is a cannon on the table.

Colorado.

home?

2008-06-18T00:29:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting in my bed, in my boxers and t-shirt, in my lovely cluttered room, staring out at the oh so familiar view of the park and lamp post. But it still doesn't feel like home. I don't really know where my home is now. It's difficult to describe exactly how it feels to be here. I feel somehow incomplete, and sometimes I think I felt more at home in my dorm room in Winchester than I do right now in my own room of 6 years with my family sleeping in the rooms around me. But I don't think it's my room's fault. I feel like I've somehow betrayed it. I've gone away and changed and now that I return, we no longer fit together perfectly anymore. If I feel like my room is judging me for changing. If my room judges me, I can't imagine how I'll feel when I start seeing people and hanging out with friends again. And I'm scared.

a little poem for my Tuesday morning

2008-05-20T05:09:00.005-05:00

I'm in the publishing mood.... I wrote this poem a few months ago about one of my best friends, Jesse, who died when we were little (3rd grade). Sort of written from the perspective of my third grade self.

Our third grade
Jesse, do you have hair now, or will you be bald forever?
Do you sit on God's lap and sing
I am Jesus Little Lamb
like I imagine?

Jesse, I remember swinging through the tanbark playground,
pretending we were knights.
I was Ivanhoe and you were Wamba the jester, sometimes King Richard,
the lion-hearted.
My pet was a mountain lion, and yours was an octopus,
which you put on our heads to make us squeal.

Then you came to school on crutches, bundled in layers in a California
fall. Jesse, do you still need blankets in heaven or does God
keep it just the right temperature?

I always knew you were closer to heaven than us,
none of my other friends were bald.
Your blue eyes grew deeper and darker, like a turtle shrinking
into its shell, and your skin
became white and clear with purple spaghetti veins.
Jesse's going to be with Jesus soon,
Mama told me, over
and over, but I knew.
We both knew, Jesse and I.
I am Jesus Little Lamb
he sang, bundled on the couch on his last
good day. Little lamb.

That night the phone rang and mama answered, but I already
knew. Hallelujah.
But mama just sat at the table and cried over her papers, rubbing
her eyes underneath her glasses.
Mama, don't cry. You are the one
who told me not to cry when it happened.
I thought this was what we wanted. I thought
we wanted Jesse to be with Jesus.
Why are you crying?

Jesse, I tried to cry like everyone else. I hope you won't be mad at me
when I tell you I couldn't find any
tears to give you.
Even though we'd never play the
make-Mitchell-smell-Jesse's-tuna-sandwich game
again, I was happy
because you were happy, little lamb.

Sometimes I imagine your invisible octopus friend is sitting on my head, and I
think that in heaven, you are playing our games with the angels.

I guess I miss some things

2008-05-09T05:18:00.004-05:00

Yes, yes, I know. My semester here is quickly coming to an end. But please, I'm sort of in denial here, so let's pretend I still have a lot of time here in Winchester.

But while I wait for The Office to download so I can watch the latest episode, I think I'll make a list of some of the stuff I do miss about good old Wisconsin. I'm not going to include my family, my friends, my church, MY CAT, etc, because that's automatic... sort of on a different level. Here are the little things I miss that make me not so sad to leave England:

1. Vault Zero. Mmmm, the refreshing taste with a lovely caffeine kick. I've been having to drink Diet Coke way too much lately.
2. Family Video. Oh how I miss hopping in my mini-van and cruising down the street to Family Video at 11:30 pm to rent some $1 movies for the night. It's been really tricky to watch movies here, since the only place we can really rent them is the limited selection at the campus library.
3. The fact that things are open late. There is something comforting (yet semi-disturbing) about the fact that at any time in Eau Claire, I could buy food. Or go shopping. Or whatever. Here, most stores close at about 6 and the only place in town that serves food after 11:30 pm is the kebab shop out by the train station (heh I was just there last night, delicious chips and cheese).
4. Taco Bell. Or Burrachos. Or Chipotle. Basically, I've had no Mexican food since I arrived. Sadness.
5. Sharing a bathroom with only one other person (Emily) instead of sharing one toilet with about 6.
6. Being able to wear sweatpants outside of my dorm room without feeling well awkward and stared at. I wonder what would happen if I went into town here in my pajamas.... scandalous.

this is your life

2008-04-26T03:33:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning I put on some music I hadn't listened to in awhile, but this time I listened to the words.

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?"*

Those words don't sound cliche at all anymore, and they struck me so much I felt like I could cry. I've always interpreted those words to mean something along the lines of, "Are you following all your dreams and turning into the cool person you dreamed you'd be as a kid?" but right now they mean something slightly different to me. They're saying, "Stop. Look at yourself. Are you okay with how you are right now? Look at the choices you make. Is this how you want to live? Are you proud of yourself? Is this how you want others to see you?"

You might not be doing anything wrong, but what are you doing right? What are you doing for God? Is this really who you want to be?
Probably not.

So what am I going to do about it?

*"This is Your Life" by Switchfoot on The Beautiful Meltdown

unknown

2008-04-12T11:29:00.003-05:00

[Some thoughts I've wanted to get off my chest for a long time, and now I've finally found a way.]

When my friend Janie came back from seeing the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam, she told me that the exhibit basically ended with Anne's father saying that he thought he and Anne were close, but that after reading her diary after her death turns out she had emotions much more deep and complex than he realized. He concluded that no father really knows their daughter.

Two things hit me after hearing that. First of all, what a depressing thought. Perhaps my apprehensions about being a mother stem primarily from this fear of not being able to actually know my own children (or them not knowing me?). And secondly, and more importantly, perhaps this idea is what prevents me from writing. I'm not scared of the world reading about my most personal and complex thoughts--I'm scared to let my father read them. My father, mother, sister, friends, professors, pastors, blah blah blah--all those people who think they know who I am. I'm scared of writing and revealing exactly what I think and the extent of who I am. I hate the thought of someone reading a blog or anything I write and being ashamed or embarrassed at the revelation of my thoughts because they realize they don't know me.

It's not that I live my life outwardly as a different person. It's just that all the complexities and insecurities and conflicts within could never be simultaneously and accurately portrayed to those around us. We see others as having fairly limited personalities, and know others also expect certain characteristics from us. This simplification process is comforting. It allows us to feel like we 'really know' someone else. But actually, we all have characteristics we promote simply because we know that's the personality others expect from us, even if we admit we're technically capable of just about any personality or emotion. It's just too unsettling to look at everyone around you, including yourself, in that light.

But whenever I read books anymore I can't help wondering "What does their mother think when she reads this?" or, if I know the author has children, "What do their kids think?" If I read the writings of my mother, would I squirm awkwardly to delve so deeply into the complexity of her psyche, her pain, her hopes. Would I feel closer to her, or perhaps further, knowing that the mother I "knew" and loved was only the tip of the iceberg of her self, and that her range of thoughts and insecurities was just as wide as mine? Isn't it easier, more comforting, to instead allow ourselves to believe that we know our parents, we know our friends, than to be confronted with the disturbing reality that we really can't know anybody? Not truly?

And now, back to my point earlier, perhaps this is what discourages me from writing... and why most of my blogs don't get posted without major cuts and edits, if I post them at all. It's not that I have nothing to say, I have plenty. It's not that nobody would read it, I'm sure there are some friends or family or whoever who would. It's more that I don't want anyone to feel betrayed. If I wrote a novel someday, and poured my heart into it, would my father read it and think sadly, "I don't know my own daughter?"

[Okay, now back to writing my papers.]

A list from my childhood

2008-03-21T12:54:00.004-05:00

What is it about being human that makes us nostalgic for our childhood? Or maybe it's just part of being alive, and dogs and oak trees wish they were puppies and innocent little acorns once again. Today Jenny and I visited the truly enchanting gardens of a old Prussian Palace (in Potsdam, outisde of Berlin). A steady drizzle fell on our umbrellas as we walked along, stepping around the deepest puddles and navigating through hedges and over bridges. Some weather is simply conducive to dwelling on the past, and in the midst of what felt like our own 'secret garden,' the topic inevitably fell on the much more magical days of our youth--anything from those gradeschool book order catalogues to Birthday parties. The topics discussed, combined with the general magnificence of our surroundings, made me homesick--not for my house is Wisconsin, but for comfort of being myself again, 10 or so years ago.

I dwell on my childhood quite often, but today the scenery triggered someone I had not thought of for sometime--one of the first book characters I fell in love with, 'Dickon' (at least I think that's how you spelled his name). Okay, so maybe 'fell in love with' is a strong term, but looking back, just like I had a crush on Dimitri from the cartoon Anastasia or Thomas from Pocahontas or whatever kids movie, I felt sure that if I were to meet Dickon, from Secret Garden, in real life, I would fall for him too.

So then in my mind, I tried to think of other fictional guys that had the same effect on my childhood self. After Dickon, I'll admit I'd have to add Nat Eaton from The Witch of Blackbird Pond, Rab Silsbee from Johnny Tremain, Robin from the Outlaws of Sherwood, and more I just can't remember. Oh those were the days. Those good old days when I would hide under the living room table or in the bathtub reading when we had company over cause I didn't want to be bothered talking to adults and I'd much rather finish my book.

It's funny that when you're little, all anyone does is try to make you think about the future. 'What will you be when you grow up?' Well, I guess they still ask that question (and I still don't know, but that's a whole blog in itself). And now that I'm older, all I do is talk about my childhood and mourn the absense of my imagination.

That reminds me. Today as Jenny and I toured the impressive estate, we also gushed about Pride and Prejudice and all those Jane Austen type stories with lords and ladies and carriages and large manors and hunting parties. I mentioned how much I wanted to go watch Pride and Prejudice and Jenny added that curling up on the couch in a big quilt and watching those movies sounded amazing just then. Awhile later, Jenny commented that it was funny that when we were at home watching P&P, we would talk about how amazing it would be to visit those places. And now that we were actually there, all we wanted was to be at home, watching the movies. Go figure.

Yay Friday Five

2008-03-07T18:36:00.002-06:00

I watched the film High Fidelity for the first time last night (oh John Cusack), and am now extremely inspired to create a top five list (if you haven't seen it, the characters in this movie are making top five lists constantly, mostly about music).

So, in the spirit of High Fidelity, my (CURRENT) top five favorite albums...

Little explanation... I do not in any way claim to be very knowledgeable about music, so there are obviously many outstanding albums out there that I have never heard before, or have heard too recently to be sure about. The albums listed below are those CDs that I not only find outstanding, but more importantly for one reason or another cannot get sick of. I've listened to them countless times and still love them. These are NOT the top five best albums out there, simply the five I can't get enough of.

5. Mae's The Everglow
4. Relient K's MmHmm
3. Matchbox Twenty's More than You Think You Are
2. Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism
1. Brand New's The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me

Honorable mentions: The Best of Simon & Garfunkel, Ok Go's Oh No (too soon), Brand New's Your Favourite Weapon and Deja Entendu, Avril Lavigne's Under My Skin (can't believe I'm admitting that), and Jimmy Eat World's Futures and many more

Wow, that was painful. So many beautiful things to leave off. =(

"Jude Law and a Semester Abroad"

2008-03-03T05:16:00.003-06:00

I'm singing along to Brand New's "Your Favourite Weapon," which means one thing--I am angry. Angry and frustrated. I haven't really experienced much culture shock with regards to England and the people, but I have definitely had my share of confusion and frustration with this school. I guess I can't talk for the entire English school system, but let me tell you, this school is frustrating. None of the offices can answer your question the first time around, they usually send you to a different building, different office, until you've gone around the entire campus looking for an answer to a simple question, like "What is my address here?" (and by the way, I've gotten about three different answers to that question, all of which are valid, I think). Everybody, students and professors, think they're so busy, but really, this is nothing compared to the work we have to do at Eau Claire. Up until now, when the deadlines are actually approaching, I've felt like I've been on vacation, and my brain is seriously turning to goo in my head. I'm waiting for it to dribble out through my ears any day now. I can't even focus on cleaning my room, let alone writing one of the five papers that are due right after break.

Just today, my professor started explaining the first assessment (each class has two assignments in the semester which your entire grade is based upon) which is due in about five weeks and receiving a bunch of dumb questions, of course, most of them repeating things she had just explained. There was an entire option that she didn't even mention, however, so my friend Janie and I thought we'd just ask her after class about the option (listed on the syllabus, mind you) of making a video or a website instead of writing just an essay. When we went up to ask her, she acted flustered and annoyed, telling us that she couldn't teach us how to use that technology and that we'd be on our own (and might I add we didn't ask for her to teach us that). She then went on to tell us that we were making her late for her meeting, that "this is what office hours are for," that if we wanted to do this we would need to meet with her and have a lengthy conversation, that she was really busy that week, and that we should have talked to her about this earlier. She said a lot more I can't remember, but every thing she said basically sent the message that we were being very inconsiderate to her and her busy schedule to bring up this project, and that we were inconveniencing her by wanting to do this type of project, even though she listed it on her own syllabus as an option. She was so short with us and so demeaning that I still feel upset.

And it wasn't just this class, it's been other classes and professors too. I feel like the moment I open my mouth, I'm slapping a stereotype on my forehead. It's as if people respect me when I'm silent, but as soon as I start speaking and they realize by my accent that I'm American, I've lost a lot of credibility in their eyes. This was confirmed to me this afternoon in my America from the Perspective of Britain class that all Americans are required to take. Today we examined the "stupid American" stereotype to try to figure out why most British people automatically associate Americans with stupidity. Our professor (whom I respect a lot, please don't assume that I'm frustrated with everyone here) suggested that it's not simply about the fact that they think President Bush is an idiot, but that simply by looking at the television shows that we export, it's not very surprising--South Park, My Name is Earl, and others (can't remember them all, but there was more). Many people associate us with stupidity, perhaps consciously, perhaps unconsciously, but either way, it does make things difficult. It's interesting though--I don't necessarily blame people for seeing our country as a whole as stupid, based on the information they receive. But I forget that their opinion of the USA can directly affect their opinion of me. I guess I naively assumed that they'd judge me individually, but that's not always the case. I am a stupid American. A stupid, lazy, consumerist, arrogant American.

Wow, I covered a lot of territory with this blog. What started out as frustration with a teacher kind of evolved into a lament for the stupid stereotype of my nation. Yikes. I do feel better though. I do want to add, that despite all of this, I am still thoroughly enjoying my time here. Issues like this don't arise constantly, but moments like these do hit every once in awhile and cause me to stop and reflect on the bigger picture. Here are a couple videos music videos that deal with these issues. The first is from an American punk rock band that sort of satirizes the lack of awareness of most Americans, and the second is from a UK artist criticizing consumerism (especially USA). And finally, a very embarrassing collection of interviews that aired on an Australian news channel. This is the video they actually played at my study abroad orientation. Although this video could have been editing easily, the main point is that this is what other countries are watching and using to shape their opinion of America. So scary.

NOFX "Franco Un-American"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzpTmcq7nBg

Adam Freeland (UK artist) "We Want Your Souls"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvwK-3cQ6gE

"Stupid Americans" - Australian news clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE

My new talent

2008-03-02T16:28:00.004-06:00

So if I've learned one thing so far on this semester abroad about myself, it is that I am a master in the skill of acquiring crap. Seriously, I should get some sort of award. I've only been here for a month and already my dorm room, which I share with no one, is full. Full of crap. I don't even know how that happened. The first weekend I was here, it felt so empty and bare. I had a suitcase and a backpack, and everything unpacked hung neatly in my closet or sat peacefully on my bookshelf or folded just right in my drawer, allowing me to slide the empty suitcases under my bed. Perfect, right? Well now, my desk, my bookshelves, the top of my bookshelf, my entire bulletin board, the top of my dresser, and my floor are significantly covered with stuff. I don't even know where to begin in the sorting process. And I don't have any good method for organizing--no desk drawers, no handy boxes, no little compartments, so things mostly sit in stacks and random piles all over the place. I've been saving my bottles to clean out and cut the tops off to use for pencil containers and such, but it actually just makes everything look trashier instead of more organized. Seriously, what is my problem? How did this happen? How do things populate so quickly? Unbelievable. Anyways, room inspections are tomorrow so I've got to get back to the whole cleaning/tidying up process, but just thought I'd vent for a moment, about myself, and my talent for gathering crap. Cheers.

OSCARS!

2008-02-24T12:28:00.002-06:00

I know it's been quite awhile since I posted here, but I've been a bit side-tracked with the whole England thing, so my apologies. But today being such a special day, I figured I had to make a few quick comments.

Yes, I am a sucker for the Oscars. I wasn't always, but ever since high school and I started to become obsessed with movies (actually, ever since Lord of the Rings started getting nominated for stuff), it's meant a lot more to me. Amanda, Jenny, and I would have our cute little Oscar slumber parties at my house and I would fill out those little sheets with all the nominees and check who I wanted to win each award. But unfortunately this year the Oscars will have to be watched on my laptop in my dorm room alone at 1 am. But, chin up (probably my new favorite phrase the English like to use), I can still babble about the Oscars on my blog and make a couple silly top five lists for fun. So, in reflection of a great year of movies, here are, in my opinion, some of the best and worst of the year:

First of all, although I was able to see 35 of the movies released in 2007, there were still a good 26 I missed out on (I'm going with the official list of eligible movies the Academy has on their site). Here are the top movies I regret not being able to see this year (not in order):

Rocket Science
Into the Wild
Grace is Gone
Control
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Namesake
Away from Her
There Will Be Blood
The Wind that Shakes the Barley
Zodiac

Favorite Movies of 2007 (none of these lists are in order, really)
Juno
Atonement
300
Rescue Dawn
Becoming Jane

Worst Movies of 2007
Because I Said So
Catch and Release
Evening
Gracie
In the Land of Women

My Personal Oscars (of the movies I've seen):
Best Picture: Can't decide... the best/most well made movie of 2007 was No Country for Old Men, but my personal favorites were Juno and Atonement
Best Actor: Christian Bale in Rescue Dawn
Best Actress: Ellen Page in Juno
Best Director: Joe Wright for Atonement (not even nominated--ridiculous!)
Best Score: Atonement by Dario Marianelli
Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody for Juno

Well, anyways, it's almost midnight here in England, so I'm going to take a quick nap before the show starts. Best wishes to all of the artists nominated tonight. =)

last minute cramming

2008-01-31T00:14:00.000-06:00

Update: I leave tomorrow. TOMORROW. Oh my.

In light of my quickly approaching departure from American culture, I've been doing a little cramming lately. Tonight we had a full Thanksgiving spread for supper, I had a burrito for lunch, and I'm up late watching X-Files ("Paper Hearts" episode). I love this show. A zillion thanks to Phil for introducing me to Mulder and Scully.

And on another note, this may be the last time I type from American soil for awhile. I'll pick up again sometime next week, and will definitely be typing in a British accent. Until then, cheers.

Also, here's the address for my travel blog, incase anyone missed it:
http://acrossthepond-dr.blogspot.com/

on a rainy monday

2008-01-28T23:53:00.000-06:00

It's finally starting to sink in that I'm leaving for England this Friday... and that I'm not coming back until June. Crazy. It's been planned for so long that I've accepted it without really giving it too much thought. But now that suddenly I have just a few days left sleeping in my bed, in this house, in this country, it's all sinking it. Yikes!
I will miss my sister's graduation, my friend's wedding, an entire rugby season, and so many other things. I think that is what's getting to me and making me feel a little panicked--I'm cool with leaving so soon, I just keep forgetting how long I'll actually be there. I'm not too worried about getting homesick though... but I will miss my cat.

Tonight I went out to eat with my ILHS classmates as a sort of goodbye thing. My lovely friends Dani and Amanda bought me an umbrella (perfect for England!), a photo album, and a box of "international" chocolates. Oh, and today was also significant because I finally bought my backpack for Europe--one of those big backpacking backpacks that makes me want to go climb a mountain or something outdoorsy. I can't wait to start packing.

Side note... today it rained. I love the rain, especially after so much snow. Rain makes the whole world so much more enchanting, especially the misty rain that's settling in on Eau Claire right now. Oh beautiful. Thanks God.

Friday 5: Movie characters... who would I be?

2008-01-25T09:42:00.001-06:00

So, in order to satisfy my compulsive desire for making lists, I've decided to create a regular outlet--the Friday Five. Oh so clever. So basically, a new top five list every week. Yes, this is quite indulgent, but I'm pretty excited about this. And, to start things off, this week shall be...

If I could be any movie character, who would I be?

Now, this was much more difficult than I anticipated... mostly because every time I think of a ridiculously cool character (Wolverine, Jason Bourne, Bruce Wayne, any of the Spartans from 300, etc...) I realize that they are not actually very happy people. Or they die. Who would actually want to be Batman? So depressing. So, anyways, here you go.

5. Juno (Juno) - She's sarcastic, witty and clever, plays guitar and dates Paulie Bleeker. And she has a hamburger phone.
4. Marty McFly (Back to the Future) - He travels through time, rocks out to Johnny B Goode on stage, and saves the day.
3. Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice) - She's clever, ahead of her time, makes fun of people, and marries Mr. Darcy.
2. *TIE* Eowyn (Lord of the Rings) or Mulan (Mulan) - This is a tie since both of these are really similar. They both disguise themselves as men, go to war, bring down the biggest bad guy (the Witch King and the chief Hun) and go home to marry the love of their life and be awesome for the rest of their lives. Just fantastic.
1. Robin Hood (all versions of Robin Hood movies) - Need I explain? He's an outlaw, a leader, the best archer, a savior, and he constantly outsmarts his enemy and gets to camp out in the woods with his best friends and the love of his life. And, when he dies, he becomes a legend. Pretty sweet.

Honorable mentions: Cosmo Brown (Singing in the Rain), Dana Scully (X-Files), Princess Leia (Star Wars), Sam Spade (The Maltese Falcon), Tyler Durden (Fight Club), Maximus (Gladiator)

So, if anyone reads this and feels inspired, comment with your list. =)

reading list for 2008

2008-01-14T04:07:00.001-06:00

I'm feeling very inspired at 4 am, so here's an ambitious reading list for 2008 (ambitious considering I sadly haven't read all that much since high school)... Suggestions welcome!

Reading List for 2008

To Reread
Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien
Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Watership Down by Richard Adams
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

To Finish
Fade by Robert Cormier
Atonement by Ian McEwan
Mere Christianity by CS Lewis

To Read
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Animal Farm by George Orwell
The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

just gushing

2008-01-12T15:17:00.000-06:00

I finally got the chance to see my two most anticipated movies of 2007, Juno and Atonement. And, amazingly, they both pretty much stood up to my expectations. I had two incredibly different experiences with them, though...

Juno, after a rough start, completely won my heart and by the end I just wanted to give the entire movie a hug. I saw it with three girlfriends and we left the packed theatre with whimsical grins and immediately began gushing about the movie. We quoted the moments that made us laugh or made us cry (sometimes both) as we wandered through the slushy parking lot, throwing jelly beans at each others' mouths.

Friend 1: "Oh, I can't wait to be pregnant. Obviously not now, but someday."

Friend 2: "I know, I am so excited about being pregnant someday.

Friend 3: "That movie made me want to be a mom."

Me (unspoken thoughts): "That movie made me want to make a movie. The pregnant thing didn't really cross my mind."

Either way, Juno was just so much fun. It was quirky and clever and emotional all at once. None of the characters fit a stereotype (except perhaps Rainn Wilson in the first 5 minutes) and the movie kept constantly surprising me. Just overall lovely. Go see it!

And then, Atonement. Atonement finally came to Eau Claire yesterday. I did not know what to expect, other than the trailer and the short portion of the beginning of the book (brilliant so far) that I have read. I went at 1:30, and because most everyone was busy or at work, I decided to go alone. I'd never gone to a movie alone before, but I loved it. And it was one of the best movie going experiences I'd ever had. The threatre was relatively empty (perhaps a scattered dozen others) and so the audience was respectfully silent. The movie progressed slowly, taking its time. At times it felt like it was building toward a beautiful epic moment, a climax of some sort, but then it would change unexpectedly and surprise me until I really had no idea how it would end. And let me tell you... I was decently moved by this movie throughout, but it wasn't until the last ten minutes that the emotional core of the movie is exposed and then I just cried. This movie is devastating yet beautiful. Just beautiful. Powerful.

The credits rolled on and the theatre emptied, leaving me alone to digest everything with the gorgeous soundtrack accompanying. Such a perfect moment... I was able to watch the entire credits with no one to distract me or bug me to leave. When they were done, I simply wandered out, walked silently to my car, turned the music off in my car and drove silently away. Thoughtful silence. I went home and downloaded the soundtrack on itunes right away (amazing), then just sat back and listened, still going through the movie in my mind.

And that is the story of two of my favorite movies of the year. Two totally different experiences, but both memorable in their own way. I love movies (just thought I'd throw that in case anybody missed that).

And the moral of the story is, go see Juno and Atonement. Also, as much as possible, go into Atonement knowing NOTHING (or as close to nothing as possible).

mossy thicket

2008-01-07T18:49:00.000-06:00

I love the smell of fresh paint. Call me crazy, but I just love freshly painted rooms. Glorious smell. So anyways, this reflection is not completely random--I am currently repainting my room. I found a shade of green (with the beautiful name of "mossy thicket") and have painted 1 and 1/4 of my walls with it.Also, I should explain the murals (you can only see one of them there)... After I graduated 8th grade my family moved from California to Wisconsin. About a week before my first week of high school, I had the impulse to paint on my walls. So I got a ride down to Sherwin Williams, picked out two shades of gray and one shade of green, and went to town. The paintings you see are (prepare yourself for the true extent of my nerdy love for Lord of the Rings) the Argonath from FOTR (you can see them in the movies... those giant statues on either side of the river toward the end of the movie). Well, I decided to touch them up a bit with deeper values and all that good stuff. It's been fun. But my room is such a mess right now that I've been sleeping on the couch for the past week (my bed is covered in layers of stuff). Maybe I'll do a before and after picture, While You Were Out style, when I'm all done. =)

oh, snow... and 2008

2008-01-02T17:31:00.001-06:00

This winter, I grew quite fond of snow. I'm not sure what brought about this change, but I'm glad. Life is better when you're not mad at the weather every day. It's not that I had a problem with snow itself--just what it meant. Snow means COLD weather; it means I'm in Wisconsin, and not California for winter; it means no rain for months; it means a weary and crusty white substance that overstays its welcome. This winter, however, is possibly the first time I haven't missed rain. I've been truly excited about the entire winter season. And I love this new excitement.

Emily (pictures above and below) and I went out the other morning to snap some potential senior pictures (her senior pictures, NOT mine) in a beautiful snow fall. I am so thrilled about how they turned out.

It was snowing for perhaps the fourth day in a row and was just absolutely enchanting outside. I really do love it when it's snowing.

And now for my New Year's resolutions. I usually forget about these within a week and have fun looking back on them and laughing at myself at the next new year ("I said I would do what?"). But either way, they're too fun to resist. So, here are my goals for 2008 for anyone to see (and to hold me accountable too):

1. Run a marathon. I'm trying to get into the NY marathon this fall with Jenny and Sara (Mountain View Sara). I'm terrified, but super pumped.

2. READ MORE. When I'm reading, I feel like the truest version of myself (if that makes sense). I need to set aside more time for just reading and writing and all those beautiful things.

3. Attack my scrapbooking box. For the past 8 years or so, I have collected photos, cute little scrapbooking things, ticket stubs, napkins, stickers, albums, postcards, blah blah blah, and they have accumulated into what is now a closet drawer, a giant under-the-bed storage thing, and another large closet storage container. And how many pages have I ever actually created? 2!Pathetic! I don't expect to be a master scrapbooker (in fact, I hope to never become a super scrapbooky person... it's just not me) but I need to at least sort through all that STUFF this year.

4. Cut back on my "addictions" ... caffeine, gum, and chocolate. I used to never drink soda (diet or regular) or coffee. Never. Not until the very end of high school when I discovered my secret soda passion--Vault Zero. Ugh! Now I am a caffeine addict who uses black tea and diet soda (and the occasional morning Vanilla Caramel creamer with coffee) to cure my headaches and chews 30-50 pieces of gum a week (and yes, I have counted).

[Hmm... running out of ideas, but 4 is not enough... I need 6... hmmm....ooh! I know!]

5. Wear my retainer! Sorry if this borders on gross, but I seriously need to start wearing my retainer again. I had any combination of braces/expander/head gear/temporary retainers/spacers/rubber bands for about 6 years of my life, and I do not want to go through that again. Sadly, once high school hit I got super lazy and only wear it about 3 times a year (when I feel really guilty all of a sudden and remember). So yeah, no excuses anymore!

6. And, this one should be automatic, but I need to spend more time with God. More prayer, more reading the Bible, more standing up for Him. And God, I really need your help with this (and with all of these actually).

Well, that's all for now. I know there's a million zillion things I need help with, but this is a good start. And, let me just add, I am SO excited for this year. 2008 (yay, an even numbered year!) will be SWEET: Winchester and Europe, Olympics, Shannon and Aaron's wedding, and all the other amazing things I don't know about yet that God's planning. Can't wait!

watch out for the icy patch

2007-12-27T13:47:00.000-06:00

Christmas came and went, with just the right blend of Luke 2, long distance phone calls to grandparents, and Charlie Brown. I got my usual new underwear and socks from my mom and new pajamas from Mary Katherine, although this was probably the first year I didn't get a new toothbrush in my stocking (honestly Santa, I'm hurt). I even got to watch the beginning of the Muppet Christmas special twice ("Watch out the for icy patch!"). We really get into the Christmas movies here, but Elf is the recent favorite--it seems like every other line out of my family's mouth is a line from the movie Elf:
Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS! (Ginormous is also my mom's new favorite word that she skillfully fits into all conversations.)
What's a Christmas-gram? I want one!
I just like to smile! Smiling's my favorite.
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

My sister and I found this shirt online for my mom--of course, she loved it. The gift exchanges all went well too (lobster a success), so overall it was a blessed and joyful Christmas.

Can't wait!

2007-12-19T18:41:00.000-06:00

In order to give my mind a little break from the unnatural disaster known as finals week, I've decided to make a list (yay, I love lists!) of all the upcoming things I just cannot wait for.

1. Christmas! (duh) Mostly because I picked my Uncle (Pastor) Mark in our family secret gift exchange and I have decided to give him a LOBSTER for Christmas. It's going to be amazing... I hope.
2. Juno. I have been checking our little Eau Claire theatre listing faithfully for two weeks, waiting for this movie to come to Eau Claire. Seriously, what is taking so long--it's supposed to have expanded to all theatres by now.
3. Atonement. The other movie I can't wait for, but same story as Juno. If you haven't watched the trailers for these movies yet, go watch them now.
4. The Sweet Far Thing by Libba Bray. This YA fiction book (young adult fiction is my guilty pleasure) comes out December 26. I've been reading the author's witty blog for the past few weeks fill the void in my heart until this book comes out.
5. Christmas break. Christmas break = no school. Hooray. I have some pretty sweet little projects (like painting my room an enchanting shade of green called "mossy thicket") planned that I have to do, but I'm quite thrilled about all of them.
6. Winchester! I depart for the UK on February 1... words cannot express my excitement.

Well, that's the extent of my list, at least for now. And now that I've released all those anxious/impatient feelings, it's back to studying. =(

future most vivid

2007-12-15T17:14:00.000-06:00

First post, first post... there is so much pressure to dazzle and impress with this first post that I find myself quite intimidated. I'm not sure what subject would be worthy of the focus of this post.

Well, I guess I could explain the wacky title of this blog-- Future Most Vivid. Although it does have a poetic sound to it, its roots are much nerdier. For those of you not fortunate enough to be familiar with the ridiculous language that is Greek, future most vivid is a term I found in my trust little Greek grammar book (thank you Davis). I'm not sure what it means (I said I was familiar with Greek, not intimate), but I just thought it was a beautiful phrase that should be exposed to the world and not confined to a grammar book. So, there it is.

Well, that's enough procrastinating for one afternoon. Stay tuned, and God bless.