my identity?

This has been going through my mind a lot lately, so to finish processing it, I’ve got to write about it.

We have a desire to ‘find ourselves.’ We have this natural tendency to want to understand who we are and what makes us unique. Why? I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense, but we do it. Or at least I do it.

But the devil knows this too, and he’s tricky.

There are relatively few things that I think are constant about my personality. Unfortunately, most of the reoccurring traits are my faults or weaknesses. There are certain things I struggle with, certain traits I’m not proud of that I know I should make an effort to expel. But deep, deep down, if I was to be completely honest with myself, I don’t want to change those failures. Why not? Because I define myself by them—they are part of my identity… and one of the only consistent elements of my identity. Changing them would mean performing a major remodel to the fragile image of myself I’ve tried to construct over the past 20 years.

But that’s pretty messed up. I need to define myself by who I am in Christ, not by my failures.

so happy together (me + caffeine)

I was doing so well weaning myself off of my caffeine addiction, but I've officially crashed. After being inspired by Beth's blog over at Wake. Work. Rinse. Repeat., I decided that my crush on caffeine was unhealthy and it was high time I moved on to better sources of energy, like sleep. I was going strong for about two weeks, treating myself to a caffeinated beverage only once every few days and feeling great. However, last weekend at the 20s & 30s retreat near St. Louis, the combination of getting no sleep, needing to stay alert during hours of sitting and listening, and suddenly having access to a constant supply of free caffeine was all too tempting, and one drink every 3 days instantly become at least 3 drinks per day. Needless to say, ever since then the morning coffee has been flowing and I'm right back where I was a few weeks ago. Days like today, when I'm actually at home all day (joy!), it's especially tempting to keep refilling the mug from the thermos pot and add my favorite ingredients--a tablespoon of plain cocoa powder, vanilla soy milk, and vanilla caramel creamer. Mmmm. Hooray for fake, headache inducing, dehydrating energy in a cup. And just like that I'm back in my typical, ridiculous summer frame of mind: Who needs sleep? Not me! Sleep is such a waste of time! Look at all the cool things I could be doing other than sleeping! I'll never sleep again! Mwahaha! I'm invincible!

Oh, the crazy things caffeine and sleep deprivation do to me. Sorry for all those who actually have to be around me during these trying times. =)

baked beans

I had baked beans on toast and a fried egg for breakfast this morning, and I felt English. I miss England today. 

That's all for this morning. Perhaps I'll write something more insightful later.

Me vs. AC

Seriously. Summer is for warm weather. Summer is for short sleeves. Summer is for sandals. Do we all agree? Good.

Then TELL ME WHY the computer lab that I work in is currently 50 degrees! UGH.

I feel like an idiot every morning when I bike to work in the heat, carrying a sweatshirt. But I know that if I don't, after twenty minutes has passed I will be sitting at my desk shivering in the super chilled office.

It just seems so ridiculous to be colder during the summer than during the winter.

Okay, venting session over. =)

Mmm books

Awhile back I posted the following reading list for this year...

Reading List for 2008

To Reread
Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien
Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Watership Down by Richard Adams
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

To Finish
Fade by Robert Cormier
Atonement by Ian McEwan
Mere Christianity by CS Lewis

To Read
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Animal Farm by George Orwell
The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

Wow, I must have been CRAZY. How I'm supposed to finish all those books in a year is beyond me. I mean sure, if this was my gradeschool self when all I made time for was reading, I could do it. But really? Now? Anyways, the point of this is not to wallow in self-pity about my schedule, but to just sort of update that list now that the year is half way over.

I can actually check a few items off that list...

Books I have read in 2008 as of July 22:

• The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath - This book is fascinating. I recommend it to anyone who thinks they would enjoy living in the brain of a woman while she goes crazy.
• High Fidelity by Nick Hornby - Saw the movie, loved the movie, then found the book--loved it. This book, more than just about any other, makes me want to be a writer. It's one of those books you read and wish you had written it. 
• Atonement by Ian McEwan -  Saw the movie in the middle of reading this book. This author can spend 3 pages describing a single thought or sigh. Beautifully devastating.
• The L-Shaped Room by Lynne Reid Banks - bought this for 1 euro in a bookstore in Germany
• Twilight by Stephenie Meyer - yeah, yeah, I know... someone in England told me to read this and I bought into all the hype and gave it a chance, heh
  
• Outlaws of Sherwood by Robin McKinley - reread this... childhood favorite. I love Robin Hood.
  

Right now I'm slowly but surely hacking my way through As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner. Ugh. But it's a book I'll have to read anyways this coming fall for a class called Representations of the Dead, so I might as well get a head start. 

So, yeah, just felt like writing about books for some reason. If anybody's reading this at home and thinks to themself, 'Hey, I'm inspired, I should go read a book,' here is my suggestion:

THE ROAD by Cormac McCarthy

I believe that they're actually making this into a movie in November, so this is the perfect time to pick up this incredible read. I can't describe it. It's unlike anything else I've ever read. Just give it a chance.

Insomnia, by choice

It's almost 1 am and I was just trying to fall asleep. Well, actually to be honest, trying isn't exactly the right word. I work tomorrow morning, my eyes are killing, and I know I should be sleeping. But instead I get out my laptop, turn it on, and here I am, sitting on my sheets, watching the lightning storm outside my window, and blogging. 

I'm not sure why, but once summer rolls around, I hate sleeping. It just feels like such a waste of precious time. During the school year, it's all I can think about and all I want to do. But during vacation, I'll stay up for hours watching movies or Seinfeld and X-Files reruns or browsing the internet or cleaning my room or anything, simply because I don't want to sleep. And even when I get tired, I rarely get very sleepy, and eventually have to make myself head to bed because I know it's the wise choice. It's not like I can sleep in either. Even if I don't have something scheduled the next morning, once 9 or 9:30 rolls around I can't sleep any later with a clean conscience--I once again feel as though I'm wasting the day. I rarely am able to nap for the same reasons--I just feel as though I'm going to miss out on something. No matter how tired I've been, I think I've only been able to actually fall asleep in a nap twice in the past 6 months. 

So here I lay, staring at a blank dark ceiling, not wanting to sleep. It's just such a waste of my time. Oh well, maybe I'll have a good dream tonight. 

This is America

This blog is quite behind schedule, but I was going through all the unpublished drafts in my queue of blogs and found this one from a couple weeks ago. Just thought I'd share...

Since my arrival in the States, my feelings toward the USA have been somewhat conflicted. I guess the word I'm looking for is disenchanted. After 5 months of being around people who isolated and exaggerated every flaw and negative stereotype of Americans at every chance, it rubbed off on me. I came home to find that perhaps the criticism was more true than I remembered.

Celebrating the fourth of July was therefore not something I was looking forward to with any exceptional passion, but it ended up being the best thing for me. I spent the day in Colorado with my family and the Kolb family, picnicking on a grass field with thousands of other Americans, most dressed head to toe in red, white & blue, listening to orchestras play America the Beautiful and shoot off cannons during the 1812 Overture, and watching skydivers and fireworks fill the sky.

There was something about lying on the grass, watching fireworks synchronized to the song 'I'm Already There' (complete with recorded messages to loved ones overseas) and crying along with thousands of other people that just brought me peace with this country like nothing else has been able to. And I realized, say what you will, this is America too. Sure, we have flaws, plenty, but there is much to love about this country too.

Enjoy some photos I took that day... some snapshots of America.

Fourth of July picnic

Oh Uncle Sam

Couldn't resist this picture... and yes that is a cannon on the table.

Colorado.

home?

I'm sitting in my bed, in my boxers and t-shirt, in my lovely cluttered room, staring out at the oh so familiar view of the park and lamp post. But it still doesn't feel like home. I don't really know where my home is now. It's difficult to describe exactly how it feels to be here. I feel somehow incomplete, and sometimes I think I felt more at home in my dorm room in Winchester than I do right now in my own room of 6 years with my family sleeping in the rooms around me. But I don't think it's my room's fault. I feel like I've somehow betrayed it. I've gone away and changed and now that I return, we no longer fit together perfectly anymore. If I feel like my room is judging me for changing. If my room judges me, I can't imagine how I'll feel when I start seeing people and hanging out with friends again. And I'm scared.