after thought

Looking back on my post from last night, I realize I sounded quite bitter. I sounded upset. Well, I'm not. The truth is, I just felt sad. I look around at all of the amazing resources and people in my church and community and I just want everyone to grow in Christ to their full potential. I look at myself and I see someone doing the bare minimum (but still doing a lot of talking). And I just feel like too often we fall short and take the easy way out, we avoid personal interaction and discussing the difficult topics. I want us to feel comfortable supporting and loving one another.

I speak out of love, because I know through Christ we can do more. I have hope, lots of hope, and I am excited for the future.

"1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load." Galatians 6:1-5

what I need? what my church needs?

Yesterday I was listening to a sermon I had downloaded to my iPod while cleaning my room. It was given by a man named Matt Chandler from the Village Church in Texas, near Dallas. In the final movement of his sermon, he asked the congregation if he could just say something--just rant for a moment. And he said this (or something like this):

"Women, how many more bible studies are we going to do? Can we maybe run some of the plays, instead of just studying them?

Men, how much you gonna study before you gonna play?

Everybody can talk it; nobody wants to engage anybody with it.... at least very few of us do. WHY?"

And these sentences, so simply and bluntly put, cut me to the heart. How many circles have I sat in and spoken about the call to mission work? How many times have I discussed prayer, and confessing to one another, and being open with one another? How many times have I spoken about how to live and how to teach others about Christ? And yet when have I actually put ANY of this into practice? Let me tell you I felt humbled and ashamed.

I encourage you. Go to iTunes. Go to the Village Church sermon podcast. Download the free sermon called "The Great Cause (Part 1): The Call to Mission," and if nothing else, listen to the last few minutes.

And it got me thinking about something I've been thinking about for some time now. My church here in Eau Claire, Messiah Lutheran, is calling a new pastor. Ever since we started calling, I've been trying to think about what I would tell someone considering the call to Eau Claire. What is Messiah Lutheran like? What type of shepherd does Messiah Lutheran need? What do the believers here need? And I think that in a few sentences this sermon put into words everything I've been feeling.

I think Messiah needs to be woken up. Woken up to the reality that the we are PHARISEES depending far too greatly on our superior knowledge of God's Word to preserve us. And just like the pharisees, we consider ourselves better than others--more pure than other Christians. Well you know what, we may have the knowledge, but we aren't doing much with it. Just like in that sermon above, how long will we study before we actually put that knowledge into play?

I realize that just because I am weak it doesn't mean that everyone is. I'm not saying that every single person at my church is falling into this trap. I'm sure there are those that are DOING things according to their faith and by the grace of God. I must just be missing it. And regardless, no one is perfect. Everyone can use a little (or a lot of) Law in their lives. Part of me doesn't want to offend, but then the rest of me thinks maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I ruffled some feathers.

We need to be looked straight in the eye and hear "How many times will we continue to meet before we actually DO what we talk about?

How many times will the women of this congregation gather for Bible studies and meetings before they are ready to DO what they talk about?

How many times will the men of this congregation meet in Bible studies and meetings before they are ready to DO what they discuss?

How long will we hide behind our busy schedules? We put all our focus into serving a role on a committee but we don't know how to talk to one another about Christ.

Serving the church, whether through attending meetings or baking cookies, is all well and good. But how long before we turn to the Christian next to us and attend to their SPIRITUAL needs? How long before we admit to ourselves and to one another I AM BROKEN, I NEED CHRIST?

How long before we will PRAY with one another outside of church and outside of meal time? How long before we can CONFESS to one another? How long before we can WITNESS to one another? How long before we can ADMONISH one another? How long before we can step out of this church and DO the mission work we spend so many hours talking about?"

Almost every morning for the last few mornings I have started my day with the same song--"I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real. The chorus simply cries out, "I'm not alright. I'm broken inside, broken inside... That's why I need you." It is heartfelt and honest and genuine and it just makes me want to drop to my knees and cry out with the singer, "I'M NOT ALRIGHT!"

I don't know if this random jumble of thoughts makes any sense to anyone other than me, but somehow this describes what this young and naive young woman thinks her church needs (or at least what I need?). We need Christ (duh). We need to be humbled. We need a sense of urgency. We need honesty. We need a pastor who will say the uncomfortable things, that will be blunt and tell us what we need to hear and not what we want to hear... Someone that will help us CONFESS our sins to one another instead of doing our very best to hide them. Church should be the one place above all others that we can unload our burdens and admit our brokenness and wretchedness and be comforted and forgiven. But instead, it feels more like a beauty pageant where each week I get better and better at hiding the flaws.

And maybe I'm way off. Maybe this doesn't reflect anyone else. Anybody out there reading this--do I assume wrongly? Am I speaking out of place? I guess I can't and shouldn't speak for the whole church, but I can speak for myself when I say this:

I just need someone to look at me and ask me, "Danielle, what are YOU doing for the kingdom?" Because right now I don't have an answer for that question.

I'm just getting by, hoping no one will look to closely or ask me, so I can continue praising God with my words without actually having to DO anything.

God help me.

"Faith without deeds is dead." James 2:26

California, continued

Day 1. San Francisco with Ryan Grandparents and Mary Katherine

We spent the first two nights in San Francisco on Potrero Hill with Mary Katherine (my grandma's cousin who is basically like a third grandma to Emily and I). We told my grandparents and Mary Katherine that we simply wanted to be tourists in San Francisco and see whatever we could pack into one day. So on an exceptionally foggy Thursday, Zach and I...

• Rode a cable car
• Walked along Pier 39 to see the sea lions
• Drove to Fort Point, viewed the underside of the Golden Gate Bridge, and learned how to fire a cannon
• Drove down Lombard Street and ate at Mel's Diner
• Drove to the Cliff House and put our feet in the water
• Ate ice cream at Ghirardelli Square
• Drove through Golden Gate Park and Chinatown
• Drove to the top of Twin Peaks, where we could see absolutely nothing due to the fog

Beautiful day. San Francisco pictures were somehow separated from the rest--I'll post those to my album later.

Day 2. Santa Cruz with Brandon and Madeline

We spent Friday with Maddie and Brandon who took us to Waddell Beach to hike inland and see the Redwoods. We then ate a picnic lunch on the very windy beach and watched the kite surfers. After lunch we drove to the Boardwalk at Santa Cruz for a couple of rides and to put our feet in the freezing water. We finished the evening with In-n-Out Burger, animal style. =)


Day 3. Monterey

Zach and I attempted to enjoy a day to ourselves in Monterey. Unfortunately the rest of the world had the same idea and Monterey was busier than I've ever seen it. Our visit to the aquarium was shortened due to the crowds and abundance of strollers, so we drove along the coast and took the 17 Mile Drive.



Day 4. Mountain View & Sunnyvale with Drews Family

On Sunday morning we were able to go to St. Stephen Lutheran Church in Mountain View--the church I was raised at. I miss this church and it's open and warm atmosphere so much. There's something so refreshing and encouraging about services where people raise their hands with prayer requests and Bible classes where members admit that they are confused or uncertain. After a relaxing lunch and nap, Dan took us out to Shoreline Lake where we attempted to paddle boat for an hour.

The trip was short but it was good to get away. I'm mostly glad I had a chance to let Zach see where I grew up and to meet my family. Sorry, this post is kind of dry and feels like a PowerPoint, but that's about all I have to say for now. If you want to see more pictures, here's the link to my album:

2009: California Trip with Zach

foggy california

Zach and I returned at 5:45 Monday morning from a long weekend in Northern California. With only four full days to spend, we had to divide our time carefully among our friends and family: one day with my mom's family, one day with my dad's family, one day with friends, and one day for ourselves.

More pictures and stories to follow, I promise! Until then, enjoy this panorama.

Monterey, California
July 25, 2009

on theses and theories

I pause during the middle of a 24 hour paper writing cram session (6 pages down, 6 to go) to discuss another of life's simple joys.

There is something beautiful about the moment when, after searching through text after text, you find an author whose work says exactly what you want to say. They are just what you're looking for. You are totally on the same page. Their book will be the perfect source for your paper. It's a precious moment of affirmation, when you can breathe and say, "Yes! I knew my thesis wasn't that crazy. Look, this other person thought the same thing!"

And let's end this nerdy post here.

I can't believe how long of a hiatus I took from the blog world.

And it's not that I had nothing to say. Quite the reverse. I have been practically exploding with vents and rants and thinks and brilliant ideas (for sure). But for some reason, I haven't been able to write. And it's been incredibly frustrating.

So hopefully this means I'm back?

Since my last blog...

• Mom spent two weeks in the hospital waiting out double pneumonia, and I realize the true extent of my own wimpiness when I feel faint watching my mom get her blood pressure taken.
• Family vacation to Mexico is cancelled so mom can recover which allows me to help Zach direct the God's Kids Bible Camp coming up in July.
  Selfish shout out: If anyone out there is a lifeguard and wants to help at camp, please speak now or forever hold your peace--otherwise I'm signed up for lifeguard classes this weekend and next week so that we can have the needed amount of lifesavers at camp.
  Second selfish shout out: If you are a NURSE and you're reading this and want to help with camp, please also let me know. Sorry, I know, I'm shameless.
• Early American Autobiographies isn't as dreadful as I anticipated. I almost don't mind spending every weekday morning of my summer vacation in a classroom talking about dead Puritans.
• Most thrilling to me: I'm excited about the Church again (and yes, I mean the big Church and not any specific congregation). Over the past couple months I've felt like God reached down from heaven with soul CPR and gave my spirit a much needed jumpstart. I feel inspired by everything--I haven't felt this motivated toward Church work since high school. Praise God. I'm guessing I'll talk about that more later.

That's all for now. But I'll be back soon. I promise.

Until then, for all you nerds out there, enjoy this...

http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2008/02/3-year-old-expl/

hello world

Testing, 1, 2, 3, tesing. Check check.

 

Just testing out the new “email to blog post” function and seeing how I like it.

 

Today is beautifully dismal and melancholy. I love it. I only wish I was by a window so I could soak in the overall grayness outside instead of lost in a maze of computers and unbalanced students cramming before finals week.

 

Song for this dark gray day: Limousine by Brand New
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKg2b8glcpA

 

i'm feeling nostalgic again

I don't know why I'm sharing this now, or how this memory even came up after all these years, but here it is. The story of me.

When I think of life defining moments, I think of a single moment when I was only four years old. I remember three things about the setting: I was wearing gray San Francisco 49er sweatpants; I accompanying my parents on a camping trip with their scuba diving friends; we were eating abalone. I remember no other specifics, only that I either said something silly or did something ridiculous that provoked laughter from the adults around me, and in that moment I had a revelation. I realized fully, for the first time, that if I did something funny, I could make others laugh. It might sound a bit obvious, but for some reason I can specifically remember the exact moment this all clicked into place in my young and impressionable mind.  I felt as if I had been given a rare power to affect others and the possibilities were endless. I’m quite sure I spent the rest of the evening making an utter fool out of myself, begging for attention and trying to summon more laughter until my mom scolded me for being obnoxious. But it was too late for me. That single moment set the stage for who I am today—a self-conscious girl obsessed with the reactions of everyone around me. I aim to amuse, to impress, to entertain, to affect anyone listening, and my words and actions are often calculated for those purposes. I try very hard, perhaps too hard, to be funny, sometimes at the expense of others, and often at my own expense.  I analyze every reaction to my comments—did they laugh? Were they just being polite? Do they think I’m an idiot? Did I say the right thing? What can I say next to make them laugh? The questioning never stops. Who knew such a simple moment so long ago could have such consequences?

 

“We are each […] unwilling to speak unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room.”

-       Elizabeth Bennet, Pride and Prejudice