creepy

Oh creepy creepiness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QO2OocOVcJo

back to the books

Welcome back to school. Yipee. And I realize it doesn’t exactly come through in the typed format, but my tone was intended to be a bit sarcastic there. Laura and I were just commenting that this time last year we were packing for Europe, so forgive me if I’m not bouncing off the walls with excitement at the prospect of three more months of winter and school. =)

Last week I was complaining to Zach about how unprepared I felt for this semester and how much I was dreading it. He simply said, "I wouldn't worry too much about it. When you go and get your books you'll be all excited again."

And sure enough, he was right. As much as I hated standing in line at the bookstore for an hour yesterday to drop $180 on new textbooks, I couldn't help myself--I got a little chill of excitement about what I would be learning this semester. That cranky, pessimistic side of me couldn't quite shut up the ridiculous nerd in me.

School brings out the best and worst in me. One moment I'll be practically singing about how much I love analyzing short stories, and the next I'll be vehemently ranting about the stupid inconsistency of my Philosophy professor. I can spend the morning filled with enthusiasm and passion for life, and by mid-afternoon be going out of my way to criticise everything in my path while suffering from a caffeine induced headache. As my sleep decreases, my range of emotions increases--a very unforunate fact for those that have to suffer through my company throughout the week.

So for those of you who have the lovely pleasure of hearing me occasionally vent through my frustrations or gush with excitement (because I believe both are equally painful), I apologize. You are saints. Absolute stars.

the most wonderful time of the year

The next Eau Claire public library's book sale is next weekend, and I can't wait. Library book sales are truly AWESOME events.

I have been buying books since I was old enough to spend money. Every Sunday on the way home from church I would beg my parents to stop at Borders, and if we did stop, I almost always left with a purchase. Every year for my birthday I would ask for the same thing from my grandparents: gift cards to Borders. I didn't want clothes, I didn't want toys, I didn't want anything fancy (except perhaps the latest Oregon Trail computer game), I just wanted the next book in the Redwall series or one of the few Roald Dahl books I was still missing. Yes I know--total nerd. But I love it.

And even though I've accumulated more books than I have space for or time for, I can't help feeling called to buy more. After all, it's for a good cause, right? Supporting the library? I just want to give those books a good home... is that so wrong? =)

I wonder if the library will let the money I spend at the book sale go toward paying off my current account balance of $22.70 in unpaid fines and bills...

p.s. two more things

1. I do not know why the colors are reversed in that image below. Weird.
2. There will be no blog entries next week, because I will be away from the internet until further notice (about a week or so).

Best/Worst of 2008 - Cinematic Special

I'm still not done processing 2008, so if you'll allow a few more blog entries to reminisce over the year that just ended, I'd be very appreciative.

Note: When I say "best" or "worst," please automatically substitute "in my own opinion, which is often wrong, I considered this the best or worst, or I enjoyed this the most or least." Thanks.

Best movies >> I saw 25 of the 281 films released in 2008 (list taken from the eligible films of 2008 list found on the Academy Awards page). Of those 25, these were my favorites.

• SON OF RAMBOW
• WALL-E
• THE DARK KNIGHT
• BE KIND REWIND
• FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL
• PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
• IRON MAN
• DOUBT
• IN BRUGES** (could not finish, but I really liked the first half)

Worst >> There weren't really too many movies I hated. Although, if I had to pick the two that annoyed me the most, it'd have to be GET SMART and DEFINITELY, MAYBE

Biggest Disappointments >> AUSTRALIA

Movies I Regret Not Seeing (or not being able to see, thanks to Eau Claire theatres) >>

• SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK
• THE WRESTLER
• RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
• SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (but hey, this is coming to London Theatres on January 23!)
• HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
• FROST/NIXON
• GHOST TOWN
• MILK
• HUNGER
• THE READER

Anything I missed? Any challenges?

auld lang syne

Well look at that, it's 2009. Hooray for us.

In order to hold myself more accountable, my goals this year will be clear and concise. Rather than the vague 'let's do more of this or that' I want some specific, measurable things I can work toward. So, at the risk of embarrassing myself again, here I go...

1. Wear my retainer at least one day per week.
2. Write a journal entry at least once per week. I used to write all the time as a kid, and my journals from my childhood are probably some of my most valued possessions. I don't like the fact that over the past few years, I've really slacked off and have little record of what I was up to or, more importantly, how I was feeling.
3. Write a blog entry at least once a week. My motivation for this resolution is similar to my reasons for keeping a journal. However, because there is the possibility of others reading my blog entries, I do write in a more self-conscious manner and pay closer attention to elements like wording and tone. If I do want to be a real writer some day, it's good for me to practice as often as possible. =)
4. Spend at least a solid ten minutes a day in devotion with God. This means praying, reading the Bible, etc. How sad it is that I have to try so hard to make this happen, and that I fail so often.

So, there they are, my "resolutions" for this year. =) We'll see what happens...

2008 in Review: Part I

Here was the introduction to a blog post written in January:

"And now for my New Year's resolutions. I usually forget about these within a week and have fun looking back on them and laughing at myself at the next new year ("I said I would do what?"). But either way, they're too fun to resist. So, here are my goals for 2008 for anyone to see (and to hold me accountable too)"

I couldn't have been more right. Looking back at my resolutions, I squirmed a bit with embarrassment and definitely laughed at myself. Here were my "resolutions," followed by the true outcome...

Resolution #1: Run a marathon.
Reality: Plans to run the NY Marathon fell through, probably for the best, but I did run an 8 mile run for a non-profit org in November, which is a start.

Resolution #2: READ MORE.
Reality: Hmm... I did post a VERY AMBITIOUS list of books I hoped to read and/or reread this year. Sadly, the only two books from that list I read were Atonement by Ian McEwan and The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I did, however, get to read some other good ones, like High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, that were unexpected but very worth while.

Resolution #3: Attack my scrapbooking box. I don't expect to be a master scrapbooker (in fact, I hope to never become a super scrapbooky person... it's just not me) but I need to at least sort through all that STUFF this year.
Reality: HA HA HA.

Resolution #4: Cut back on my "addictions" ... caffeine, gum, and chocolate.
Reality: Although moving to a country for 5 months that does not sell Vault Zero or sticks of Polar Ice gum does naturally help you cut back on those products, I developed new tastes and addictions. I instead discovered a love for lattes and Diet Coke, and ate Cadbury chocolate by the pound. And now that I'm back in the States, I'm chewing Polar Ice more than ever.

Resolution #5: Wear my retainer!
Reality: I think I actually improved in this category, but not as much as I'd hoped. Instead of wearing it the usual 4 times a year average, I might have broken in double digits... but definitely not more than 12 times.

Resolution #6: And, this one should be automatic, but I need to spend more time with God.
Reality: Yes, and no. England didn't exactly help my faith, but it did help me realize all the spiritual comforts of fellowship I take for granted. I also had the blessing of a Bible Study that was very beneficial while it lasted, but sadly, has had to dissolve since most of the members moved away.

Despite these shortcomings, I still feel drawn toward coming up with more goals for 2009. Maybe this time I'll just set the bar a lot lower. =)

of life, and death, and the life after death

The last thought I held in my mind as I fell asleep last night was that I just don't make any sense.

This isn't exactly a new revelation, just a thought that was confirmed in the light of some recent insights. Last night Zach and I went to see Fincher's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." The movie was pretty good, but definitely had it's faults which I won't get sidetracked into discussing here. But the point is, this movie brings up over and over the problem of aging, and death, and the fact that nothing ever lasts...

This got me thinking about, you guessed it, life, and death, and aging, and the sad reality that nothing on this earth lasts. And this is where I become confused and conflicted.

I believe in heaven, in redemption, in eternal life after this flawed existence, but for some reason, I still hang on to this life more dearly than I ever should. I feel like that truth that "nothing ever lasts" should come as a comfort, not a burden... This troubled life won't last forever; there is a new and perfect life to come. But it really doesn't. I don't know at what point in my life I stopped looking forward to heaven, but when I think about heaven now, I feel nothing. I have no dislike or fear of heaven, nothing that would ever make me not want to be there after this earthly life, but I don't have any desire for it either. It feels blasphemous to even say, but it's true.

I'm too attached to this life, too wrapped up in the beauty and tragedy of it all. It saddens and confuses me that we have the capacity to feel such pain and such passion in a life that is so temporary. It's not that I think this life is fantastic, or so purely happy that I just want to keep living forever. I am quite often hurt or jealous or unhappy. But all those moments of pain just make everything else more beautiful. And there is definitely a self-pitying component of my personality that doesn't mind any sort of suffering, because it just gives me an "excuse" to wallow, or lets me feel like my life is more dramatic than it actually is. Pathetic.

But this is where things start to get complicated... When I was a child, I used to pray that I would die before I got too old. I didn't want a long life. I was scared of being a very old person. The thought of having most of my life behind me scares me. So while I don't want to age, I also don't want this life to end.

It seems that what I like about this life is the combination and contrast of the happy and the sad. I appreciate the complexity; and at times I crave the drama. But what confuses me is that while I find a strange satisfaction in wallowing in unfortunate events, there are certain things in life that terrify me because they seem to involve quite a bit of pain or sadness. Marriage, for example. Obviously I haven't experienced it myself, but despite all the "happily ever after" goop I have been spoon fed by fairy tales, novels, and romantic comedies from age 2, I have seen enough examples of relationships gone bad (fictional and non) to leave me extremely pessimistic. I find myself asking, is marriage ever worth it? Didn't all those now divorced couples start out with the same emotions of love and optimism I feel now? In fact, sometimes my cowardice is so crippling I convince myself it would be better to never experience marriage, and therefore bypass any unnecessary risk of pain. But that seems to go against everything I've just said about myself, doesn't it?

What confuses me even more is that one of the reasons I'm skeptical about heaven is because, from my understanding of the scriptures, there will be no marriage in heaven. While the prospect of a temporary earthly marriage occasionally induces feelings of strong anxiety, the thought of no such eternal relationship deeply saddens me. What? How does this even make sense? The rate at which I switch back and forth between a hopeless romantic and a crippling pessimist baffles me. One moment I'm embracing life and everything about it, the next I want to shut myself off from any risk of feeling emotion. How does that work? And which is the true me?

At a point in the movie, as became a bit overwhelmed with sadness at Benjamin Button's predicament of growing younger while all those he loves are aging and dying, I remember thinking, "But this shouldn't bother me, I'm a Christian. I know that there's more than this life." But I couldn't help crying. I couldn't help feeling so burdened by the shortness of this earthly life, and sad that the reward of heaven is not as comforting as it should be.