about growing up

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

-Snow Patrol, 'Chocolate'

For the first time, I feel like I'm growing up. Well, perhaps that's not entirely true, I've felt little moments of maturing before... the day my mom took me bra shopping for the first time, getting my first credit card bill in the mail, getting my driver's license. But the distinction is, for the first time, these changes aren't necessarily against my will (just picture little Danielle being led through the bra section at JCPenny's, crying at the unavoidable tragedy of growing toward 'womanhood'). For once, I feel okay with maturing, with becoming an "adult." 

If a biography were to be written about me (hah!), this chapter in my life would be the 'coming of age' chapter. Sure, generally coming of age movies feature kids around the high school age, but I'm just a little slow in this department. Maybe it just took me longer than most to realize that Peter Pan isn't real, and that aging is inevitable. I was never one of those kids that couldn't wait to be a 'big girl' or 'adult' or whatever... at least not to my memory. I was the girl who cried when she got her first period and used to pray to die before she got too old. Pathetic? Cowardly? Quite. But now I'm slowing getting the picture. I'm aware more than ever of my own selfishness, my own immaturity. I'm realizing that resisting being an 'adult' just hurts those around me. It's just selfish. I need to grow up.

And while I'm still weak to resist the urge to hide when neighbors are over (find a book, hide in the bathroom, nobody's going to question your presence in there for awhile), I still watch Wishbone whenever it's on TV, I still sit upside down on the couch when I want, and I still think 'woman' is a scary and old sounding word, I think I'm finally growing up. Yay, I guess? It's not something I'm necessarily thrilled about, but it's something that I know needs to happen, and it's something I actually want to happen... most of the time. =)

A list from my childhood

What is it about being human that makes us nostalgic for our childhood? Or maybe it's just part of being alive, and dogs and oak trees wish they were puppies and innocent little acorns once again. Today Jenny and I visited the truly enchanting gardens of a old Prussian Palace (in Potsdam, outisde of Berlin). A steady drizzle fell on our umbrellas as we walked along, stepping around the deepest puddles and navigating through hedges and over bridges. Some weather is simply conducive to dwelling on the past, and in the midst of what felt like our own 'secret garden,' the topic inevitably fell on the much more magical days of our youth--anything from those gradeschool book order catalogues to Birthday parties. The topics discussed, combined with the general magnificence of our surroundings, made me homesick--not for my house is Wisconsin, but for comfort of being myself again, 10 or so years ago.

I dwell on my childhood quite often, but today the scenery triggered someone I had not thought of for sometime--one of the first book characters I fell in love with, 'Dickon' (at least I think that's how you spelled his name). Okay, so maybe 'fell in love with' is a strong term, but looking back, just like I had a crush on Dimitri from the cartoon Anastasia or Thomas from Pocahontas or whatever kids movie, I felt sure that if I were to meet Dickon, from Secret Garden, in real life, I would fall for him too.

So then in my mind, I tried to think of other fictional guys that had the same effect on my childhood self. After Dickon, I'll admit I'd have to add Nat Eaton from The Witch of Blackbird Pond, Rab Silsbee from Johnny Tremain, Robin from the Outlaws of Sherwood, and more I just can't remember. Oh those were the days. Those good old days when I would hide under the living room table or in the bathtub reading when we had company over cause I didn't want to be bothered talking to adults and I'd much rather finish my book.

It's funny that when you're little, all anyone does is try to make you think about the future. 'What will you be when you grow up?' Well, I guess they still ask that question (and I still don't know, but that's a whole blog in itself). And now that I'm older, all I do is talk about my childhood and mourn the absense of my imagination.

That reminds me. Today as Jenny and I toured the impressive estate, we also gushed about Pride and Prejudice and all those Jane Austen type stories with lords and ladies and carriages and large manors and hunting parties. I mentioned how much I wanted to go watch Pride and Prejudice and Jenny added that curling up on the couch in a big quilt and watching those movies sounded amazing just then. Awhile later, Jenny commented that it was funny that when we were at home watching P&P, we would talk about how amazing it would be to visit those places. And now that we were actually there, all we wanted was to be at home, watching the movies. Go figure.