my identity?

This has been going through my mind a lot lately, so to finish processing it, I’ve got to write about it.

We have a desire to ‘find ourselves.’ We have this natural tendency to want to understand who we are and what makes us unique. Why? I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense, but we do it. Or at least I do it.

But the devil knows this too, and he’s tricky.

There are relatively few things that I think are constant about my personality. Unfortunately, most of the reoccurring traits are my faults or weaknesses. There are certain things I struggle with, certain traits I’m not proud of that I know I should make an effort to expel. But deep, deep down, if I was to be completely honest with myself, I don’t want to change those failures. Why not? Because I define myself by them—they are part of my identity… and one of the only consistent elements of my identity. Changing them would mean performing a major remodel to the fragile image of myself I’ve tried to construct over the past 20 years.

But that’s pretty messed up. I need to define myself by who I am in Christ, not by my failures.

so happy together (me + caffeine)

I was doing so well weaning myself off of my caffeine addiction, but I've officially crashed. After being inspired by Beth's blog over at Wake. Work. Rinse. Repeat., I decided that my crush on caffeine was unhealthy and it was high time I moved on to better sources of energy, like sleep. I was going strong for about two weeks, treating myself to a caffeinated beverage only once every few days and feeling great. However, last weekend at the 20s & 30s retreat near St. Louis, the combination of getting no sleep, needing to stay alert during hours of sitting and listening, and suddenly having access to a constant supply of free caffeine was all too tempting, and one drink every 3 days instantly become at least 3 drinks per day. Needless to say, ever since then the morning coffee has been flowing and I'm right back where I was a few weeks ago. Days like today, when I'm actually at home all day (joy!), it's especially tempting to keep refilling the mug from the thermos pot and add my favorite ingredients--a tablespoon of plain cocoa powder, vanilla soy milk, and vanilla caramel creamer. Mmmm. Hooray for fake, headache inducing, dehydrating energy in a cup. And just like that I'm back in my typical, ridiculous summer frame of mind: Who needs sleep? Not me! Sleep is such a waste of time! Look at all the cool things I could be doing other than sleeping! I'll never sleep again! Mwahaha! I'm invincible!

Oh, the crazy things caffeine and sleep deprivation do to me. Sorry for all those who actually have to be around me during these trying times. =)